peace.peace.peace.

some days are filled with uncontainable excitement, laughter, and crazy things that you tuck away in the back of your mind as a forever memory...

somedays are filled with heartache, tears, and heart-wrenching emotions that are too overwhelming to bear...

but then, there are days like today...
i've felt this indescribable peace all day... it's not because of anything, because nothing has happened...
or maybe it has.

i love those moments where you feel something, experience something, or hear something, and you're immediately just like, "whoa... that was the Lord."

i love that he speaks to us.

it truly is the peace that passes understanding.

sweet rest.

this life is anything but easy.

things don't go as planned... feelings get hurt... there's always busyness...
the list goes on and on.

but through looking at my life, which would be called nothing other than crazy and messy, i realize that it makes me long for Jesus more.
i want to just sit in his presence, like mary did, among the mess and chaos of daily life, knowing that everything else fails to satisfy in comparison.

i'm so thankful for sweet promises from Jesus... but the best thing about his promises is that they are never, ever, ever broken.

one of my favorites is matthew 11:28.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

i have a feeling that mary knew this promise very well... that she already knew the outcome when Jesus called her to sit at his feet and listen... that she knew the heart of her Savior, and knew that it was good.

"I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it."
-psalm 81:10

Jesus willingly satisfies. but he doesn't force it upon us... it is a relationship.
a beautiful relationship where Jesus speaks and we respond, where he calls and we follow.

sometimes, it's hard for me to put down my pride and admit that i'm exhausted and hungry and i need Jesus. but i can't help but remember that the heart of our Lord is good. that he has good planned for us.

so today, i'm thankful that life is a mess, i'm exhausted, my heart is hungry, and things haven't gone as planned.

because then...
that is when Jesus calls.

africa.

oh my, it has been way too long...
life gets crazy.

since i went to mozambique, africa between my last post and now, i thought i'd share
a little bit about that:

on july 13th, i hopped on a plane for 22 hours, rode a bus for 14 hours, and three days later, arrived at this little village called tchale, in the bush of mozambique.
little did i know how much that trip would impact my life forever...
i remember being on the plane, sooo nervous and anxious and scared, and journaling/praying/begging that this wouldn't be something that i would just allow to rush by.
but that it would be an adventure. 

the people in the village of tchale are so full of curiosity, {we had a crowd of beautiful little 
children peeking into our campsite not even ten minutes after arriving} which is something that i believe the Lord is using to draw them to himself... throughout the trip, the Lord was so faithful 
and constant in revealing to me just how big his heart is for the nations, and how he desires all to 
come to him. 
he is such a good shepherd. 

every day, we would have children's ministry, along with men's/women's ministry, and i was able to 
hold this sweet, beautiful, little girl who was blind, but had the most beautiful smile and laugh i have 
ever seen and heard in my life. 
Jesus is drawing them all to him. 
it's such a sweet thing. 

we had the opportunity to build a well and start building a church, which is something that is 
tangible, and can always be looked back on as a picture of the Lord's faithfulness. 
Jesus did so much through so many aspects of that trip... there's too much to write.
i'd love to tell you more about it though!  

i'm so thankful for that opportunity. i needed africa more than africa needed me. 

God is good. 
his love is sweet. 
the harvest is here. 
it was an adventure.

incredible.

i am constantly in awe of the Gospel. and today is no exception. i've literally been sitting in my room for over an hour just dwelling on the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. i've heard the stories my entire life, yet i still haven't gotten over it. the thought that we are fully known and STILL fully loved by the Creator of this world is absolutely incredible to my tiny little mind. he knew the sins and thoughts of my stained and dirty heart, but counted the cost worthy. incredible. i pray that i live in constant astonishment of the Gospel every single day of my life. it has the power to change lives. it's definitely changed mine.

"blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him." -romans 4:7-8

amazing grace.

"your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me..."

i sat in my car listening to this song and trying to understand these words for a good ten minutes or so. i haven't gotten very far. it's difficult for me to fathom. a love that NEVER fails. a love that NEVER gives up. a love that NEVER runs out. what? as hard as it is for me to comprehend, i fall more and more in love with the Lord because of this. i can't understand it, i can't repay him, i can't even thank him enough, yet he willingly and freely overwhelms my soul with it. the graciousness of Jesus blows me away. i miss some sweet little guatemalan babies today. i miss them every day, but today especially. as much as i long to, i can't be there to love on them. to rock them to sleep. to smother their little cheeks with kisses. to tickle them until their smile lights up the room and they're gasping for air. but the thing that gives me peace is knowing that the Lord is so much better at that job than i could ever be. sure, he might not physically do those things, but he takes great delight in them, quiets them with his love, and rejoices over them with singing. dang. we serve a good God. i'm reading the explicit gospel by matt chandler at the moment, {which i would buy a copy for every single person i know so they would read it if i could} and as he once again tells the story of the gospel, i am overwhelmed. literally. i was lying in bed awake for a good hour because i couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around the grace and love that is Jesus. i love the fact that he doesn't just do the bare minimum, but he goes above and beyond, and it leaves me in awe. those are good moments. thanks be to Jesus who saved a wretch like me.

05.27.12

"...remember that at that time you were separate from Christ... without hope and without God in the world. but now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ." -ephesians 2:12-13

this weekend has been sweet. i'm grateful for the blood of Jesus that washes me clean. this life is sweet. God is gracious. i'm thankful. xoxo.

the hard places and the grace that covers over...

sometimes i wish that life was easy.
that there was no such thing as trouble, pain, or sorrow.
and that all was well in the world.
but today, that is not the case.

today i wake up late.
i have a headache and i'm still tired.
i just put mascara and athletic clothing on because i don't feel like getting ready.
i don't eat lunch until 1:30, and it's unhealthy at that.
i lay on my couch wrapped in a snuggie with a good movie instead of cleaning my messy room.
i fall asleep instead of reading a book i need to write an essay on.
i'm grumpy and impatient and stressed.

but.
today i also wake up with mercy from Jesus that's new every morning.
his grace is sufficient for me.

and today i remember that he carried my sin so i could live in his grace.
he received the condemnation and shame that I deserved and replaced it with righteousness.
he took the thirty-nine lashes so i wouldn't have to.
and his bruised, bloody, and beautiful body was nailed on a cross that was meant for me.

sometimes i wonder why my life is messy and things don't go as planned.
and that's when it's through the mess that Jesus reminds me that is exactly why he came.
so i don't have to do this by myself.
so i can cry and pray and tell Jesus that i'm tired of trying and i can't do it by myself.
so i can entrust him with my pain, knowing he makes beauty from ashes.
so i can remember the gospel.

that while i was yet a sinner, Christ died for me.
these broken days draw me to him and he whispers softly, "THAT is why i came for you.."
i don't have to lie in my mess and filth any longer.
i can laugh even when i've had a terrible day because my joy comes from him and not circumstances.

Jesus is good to bring me these hard days.
because that's usually when i see my desperation...
but most of all, that's usually when i see his steadfast love and grace that knows no bounds.

today i'm thankful for the hard places.

trusting in Jesus.

sometimes... life is hard.

my grandma was admitted into the hospital this past weekend for a cancerous tumor
in her brain and brain surgery.
i came home to find out that she only has 9-15 months left to live... what?
wasn't expecting that.

so obviously, i've been an emotional wreck...
i want my grandma at my graduation.
at my wedding.
at my college graduation.
the list goes on.
surrendering those wants to Jesus has, up to this point, been one of the most difficult and painful things i've ever had to do.
but i realize that giving the Lord my dreams and desires especially when it
hurts is most often the times that He is most glorified.

Jesus has been teaching me so much about putting my trust in Him.
and i constantly have to ask Him to increase my faith.
but He is so patient and gracious with me, and His mercies are new every morning.

all that to say, yesterday, when they took some more tests, they weren't able to find cancer anywhere in her body.
the doctor was shocked.
and we are so thankful.

they are going to take some more tests to test again for cancer, but if those come back clear than it looks like the Lord healed her.
thank you Jesus for miracles.

thank YOU if you have prayed! the power of prayer is so beautiful.

'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...

psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

following.

as of lately...

sometimes... i forget the goodness of Jesus.
and i hate that feeling. i go through minutes, hours, days, sometimes even weeks, anxious and stressed out.
the story of mary and martha has been heavy on my heart lately.
it's a popular story, but the conviction is always
there, regardless of how many times i hear it.

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.' But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.'

-Luke 10:38-42

dang.
today has been one of those days... i have so much to do... and just sitting still at the feet of Jesus doesn't sound like a very good way to get things done.
but then again, the Lord usually doesn't do things my way.

i don't want to be religious. rushing around, just DOING things for Jesus.
if it doesn't overflow from a heart of love for Christ, what's the point?
works without faith is empty.

do i trust the Lord enough that i don't have to worry, because
news flash: he's in control. not me.
and he's not holding out on me either...
Matthew 6:25-34 is a perfect example of that.


i want to follow Jesus in every season, not just in the ones i understand.
teach me to follow you blindly.

music.

one of my friends started trying to teach me how to play guitar.
i know three chords! haha, it's kind of a big deal.

anyways...
i was sitting in my room, playing those three chords i know over and over again, listening to Taylor Swift... and Jesus spoke. this isn't uncommon because he speaks often, and sometimes his quiet, simple, and tender words are my favorite ones.
i was watching the strings on my guitar, how they move when you strum them, and i realized something.

i'm a lot like those guitar stings.
when you strum a guitar, particularly hard, i'm always afraid they're going to break.
they vibrate back and forth, threatening to snap... but, after a few moments of this, they go still. right back to their original position.

so often in my life, i go through circumstances, some of which are painful and uncomfortable, and i don't think i can endure it. i'm done trying, it hurts too much...
but.
the Lord reminds me. he often uses people, words, situations, and tiny things that i hardly pay attention to, that it's a necessary piece in my story.
he doesn't wound me without reason.
and ultimately, it's for my good.

but the best part?
guitar strings make beautiful sounds when they're strummed.
not when they just sit there.

the days that i feel anxious, hurt, and tried are the same days that my worship is the most genuine... when i speak out of the deep parts of my heart.

i'm praying that my life wouldn't be care-free and without pain, but that it would be one where the Lord uses whatever he sees best to evoke the worship from my heart.
and that it would be glorious, beautiful music.

the path to You.

so often i forget that my struggles, tears, pain, and loneliness are all used by the Lord.
for my good.
for His glory.

Not gonna lie, i often wish the path to His feet wasn't also filled with hardship.
but maybe it's like that because we can never truly know the depth of His love until we know the depth of pain and sorrow.
if we didn't know the bad, we wouldn't know how good the good is.
it's through my sin, my bad days, my struggles, that Jesus leans in and reminds me of his faithfulness, his love, and his grace.
he uses those moments to reveal the depth of his character.

if that's the case, i want the pain... because i want YOU.
oh Jesus, i want You.

i've started to realize that change and all the hardship that goes along with it comes from a want to control.
i don't like change because i can't control it.
but here's the thing: You are a God of peace, not one of disorder.
You know exactly what You're doing.

thanks, Jesus.

If I ask to be delivered from trial rather than for deliverance out of it, to the praise of His glory; if I forget that the way of the cross leads to the cross and not to a bank of flowers; if I regulate my life on these lines, or even unconsciously my thinking, so that I am surprised when the way is rough and think it strange, though the word is, "Think it not strange," "Count it all joy," then I know nothing of Calvery love.
-Amy Carmichael

honesty.

time for honesty.

the past couple of weeks have been HARD.
emotionally, i've been a wreck.
{praise Jesus for a bff and momma who listen}

but i just got back from one of the most fulfilling, joyful, and Jesus-filled weekend ever.
lately, i've been going through some things... someone asked me why i hadn't acted on them, and i said that i was waiting on God.
but then she said something that i'll remember forever...
"maybe you're not waiting on the Lord... maybe he's waiting on YOU to act on what he's already put in your heart."

umm. that was convicting.
but from obeying, i've experienced so much joy that only comes from Jesus.
and to be completely honest, it didn't end up exactly the way i had hoped.
people got hurt.
so, i second-guessed myself a few times...
"surely this isn't right... hurting people isn't part of His plan..."
but then i was reminded of what Jesus tells his disciples:

"...if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Jesus didn't shy away from hurt.
i'm sure the families of these men ached as they said goodbye to follow Jesus.
that hurt.
i'm sure it was hard for these guys to leave their loved ones.
that hurt.
but here's the thing...

it was WORTH IT.

i want to follow Jesus regardless of what it costs me.
even if it hurts.
even when it seems too much to bear.
even during the times i do it alone.

because He is WORTH IT.

may i never stray from the cross of Christ...

recent thoughts.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."

-Habakkuk 3:17-18

Around April, I listened to a podcast by Matt Chandler on these two verses, and
today it still rings true.

He started off by saying that when a fig tree produces fruit, next to that fruit, there's a blossom. So not only are there not figs, there isn't any blossoms either... In other words, "today stinks and tomorrow doesn't look any better."
And if there aren't any crops in the field this year, that means there's no seed for a crop next year... He goes on to talk about the herds, and in his words, "if there isn't a lot of love in the stalls, you don't have any more cattle coming."

such a picture of desperation.
when i first read this verse, i felt like the story was over.
the end.
but the beautiful thing is... it's not.

habakkuk says the words that i pray i can joyfully repeat in
my own moments of pain and despair:
yet STILL i will rejoice in the Lord...

lately, i've been praying that i will live a life where my worship of the Lord is not dependent upon my circumstances or emotions.
because otherwise, that's just cherishing the creation over the Creator.


"when wealth rolls in abundance around him, any man can praise the God who gives a plenteous harvest... the difficulty is for music to swell forth when no wind is stirring."
-Charles spurgeon

reflection.

today, make me a reflection of You. and...

that i will be a vessel of Your grace.
not one of my own standards.

that i will choose to show unconditional love.
not just when i feel the emotion.

that i will be kind.
not a heart filled with contempt.

that i will know the true meaning of joy.
not the mindset that i can gain it myself.

that i will show mercy.
not forgetting that my Savior has shown me more than I could ever give.

that i will be completely, undoubtedly, and wholly in love with You.
not chasing after the things of this world that will pass away.

01.12.12

Jesus has been so faithful in revealing his character to me, especially lately...
i love how he hears the cries of my heart... i want to be able to say
that i KNOW him, not just about him.
mmm... i just love it.

today, i'm thankful for the grace that comes from only from him.
and for love. sweet, precious, all-consuming love.
the kind of love that came down as a little baby in a manger.
the kind of love that gave his life for my sinful one.
the kind of love that conquered death because i couldn't.
the kind of love that is in heaven preparing a place for me.
the kind of love that is coming back for me.
THAT love.

may my heart mirror yours, Jesus.
xoxo.

known.

the past few days have been really hard emotionally.
i'm going to sound a little jr. highish, and i'm sorry, but just bear with me.

Satan is really good at twisting things to make them seem a certain way, and whispering lies that are far from the truth.
as a girl, i've always struggled with insecurity... a lot of that just comes from living in this world full of super model magazines and tips on how to improve.
the past few days, satan has really been using situations that i'm sure were not intentional to come off as something else.
abandoned.
forgotten.
ignored.
unheard.
today was one of those days full of little things that made my heart ache, things that weren't meant the way they seemed, but still hurt.

during church this morning, i flipped open my bible and felt called to psalm 139.
it's my favorite psalm, but today it just rang true and real to me.

"O Lord, you have searched me and YOU KNOW ME.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with ALL my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in- behind and before; YOU HAVE LAID YOUR HAND UPON ME.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain...
For you created my inmost being; you KNIT me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was NOT HIDDEN from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes SAW my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How VAST is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would OUTNUMBER THE GRAINS OF SAND.
When I awake, I am STILL with you...
Search me, O God, and KNOW MY HEART; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and LEAD ME in the way everlasting."


Tune the ears of my heart to hear no one else, but You.
I'm yours.

discipline vs. love

i had the wonderful pleasure of spending the weekend and bringing in the new year with some dear, dear friends from one of my favorite places, otherwise known as: Brownwood, Texas.

at church on Sunday, we watched a video in sunday school about some people who went to Nicaragua on a mission trip... dang, my heart ached the whole time from so many reminders of Guatemala.

during the service, the pastor said something that made a spark in my heart:
"discipline isnt the key to reading your bible, praying, and knowing God better. because if you rely solely on discipline, you will fail. don't rely on discipline in your relationship with Christ, you must rely on love."

so often i start off the week, or in this case, the year, with new promises and hopes of what i'm going to do to be "better."
and then when i fail, i get frustrated because i didn't have enough discipline.
then i come up with this brilliant {or what i think is brilliant} plan of staying on track.
it's a never-ending cycle.

but what if this year, God wants me to pursue Him out of LOVE.
out of the desire of my heart.
out of my genuine and true longing to know Him more.

...not just so i can say that studied the bible more, prayed more, went on more mission trips, and went to church more.

i'm not saying that those are bad things at all. in fact, those are all things that the Lord has called us to do.
but for the right reasons.

Luke 7:36-50 is my favorite Bible story.
if you haven't read it or it's been awhile since you have, go back and read it again.
the love and forgiveness is so contagious.

at first glance, the Pharisee seems like a pretty good guy.
he invited Jesus to his house to eat with him.
he was most likely wealthy, he was in a position of great honor... it looks like he had so much to offer Jesus.

but then, the story changes.
a sinful woman {we don't even know her name} entered the house and as she was weeping, began to wet the feet of Jesus with her tears, wipe them with her hair, kiss them, and annoint them with an alabaster jar of expensive perfume.
simon couldn't believe what he saw. what was this sinful woman doing in his house, let alone touching his honored guest?

Jesus knew his thoughts, of course, and goes on to tell a story of great forgiveness.
he then says that Simon didn't even wash his feet, but the woman wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. he gave Jesus no kiss, but the woman hadn't ceased to kiss his feet from the time she entered.
"therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven- for SHE LOVED MUCH.
but he who is forgiven little, loves little."

the Pharisee hadn't even done the duties that were a daily occurrence.
but this woman, possibly an adulteress or harlot, brought something of great worth to use for such a simple act.
she risked so much going into that house and choosing to humble herself in front of probably many dignified people.

BUT.
she gained so much more than she could ever possibly lose:
forgiveness from the Savior.

Simon relied on his duty as a Pharisee, and washing someone's feet was something the servants did, not someone as honored as himself.
but this woman recognized her need for grace, and in return,
found the greatest love ever known.