the path to You.

so often i forget that my struggles, tears, pain, and loneliness are all used by the Lord.
for my good.
for His glory.

Not gonna lie, i often wish the path to His feet wasn't also filled with hardship.
but maybe it's like that because we can never truly know the depth of His love until we know the depth of pain and sorrow.
if we didn't know the bad, we wouldn't know how good the good is.
it's through my sin, my bad days, my struggles, that Jesus leans in and reminds me of his faithfulness, his love, and his grace.
he uses those moments to reveal the depth of his character.

if that's the case, i want the pain... because i want YOU.
oh Jesus, i want You.

i've started to realize that change and all the hardship that goes along with it comes from a want to control.
i don't like change because i can't control it.
but here's the thing: You are a God of peace, not one of disorder.
You know exactly what You're doing.

thanks, Jesus.

If I ask to be delivered from trial rather than for deliverance out of it, to the praise of His glory; if I forget that the way of the cross leads to the cross and not to a bank of flowers; if I regulate my life on these lines, or even unconsciously my thinking, so that I am surprised when the way is rough and think it strange, though the word is, "Think it not strange," "Count it all joy," then I know nothing of Calvery love.
-Amy Carmichael

honesty.

time for honesty.

the past couple of weeks have been HARD.
emotionally, i've been a wreck.
{praise Jesus for a bff and momma who listen}

but i just got back from one of the most fulfilling, joyful, and Jesus-filled weekend ever.
lately, i've been going through some things... someone asked me why i hadn't acted on them, and i said that i was waiting on God.
but then she said something that i'll remember forever...
"maybe you're not waiting on the Lord... maybe he's waiting on YOU to act on what he's already put in your heart."

umm. that was convicting.
but from obeying, i've experienced so much joy that only comes from Jesus.
and to be completely honest, it didn't end up exactly the way i had hoped.
people got hurt.
so, i second-guessed myself a few times...
"surely this isn't right... hurting people isn't part of His plan..."
but then i was reminded of what Jesus tells his disciples:

"...if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Jesus didn't shy away from hurt.
i'm sure the families of these men ached as they said goodbye to follow Jesus.
that hurt.
i'm sure it was hard for these guys to leave their loved ones.
that hurt.
but here's the thing...

it was WORTH IT.

i want to follow Jesus regardless of what it costs me.
even if it hurts.
even when it seems too much to bear.
even during the times i do it alone.

because He is WORTH IT.

may i never stray from the cross of Christ...

recent thoughts.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."

-Habakkuk 3:17-18

Around April, I listened to a podcast by Matt Chandler on these two verses, and
today it still rings true.

He started off by saying that when a fig tree produces fruit, next to that fruit, there's a blossom. So not only are there not figs, there isn't any blossoms either... In other words, "today stinks and tomorrow doesn't look any better."
And if there aren't any crops in the field this year, that means there's no seed for a crop next year... He goes on to talk about the herds, and in his words, "if there isn't a lot of love in the stalls, you don't have any more cattle coming."

such a picture of desperation.
when i first read this verse, i felt like the story was over.
the end.
but the beautiful thing is... it's not.

habakkuk says the words that i pray i can joyfully repeat in
my own moments of pain and despair:
yet STILL i will rejoice in the Lord...

lately, i've been praying that i will live a life where my worship of the Lord is not dependent upon my circumstances or emotions.
because otherwise, that's just cherishing the creation over the Creator.


"when wealth rolls in abundance around him, any man can praise the God who gives a plenteous harvest... the difficulty is for music to swell forth when no wind is stirring."
-Charles spurgeon

reflection.

today, make me a reflection of You. and...

that i will be a vessel of Your grace.
not one of my own standards.

that i will choose to show unconditional love.
not just when i feel the emotion.

that i will be kind.
not a heart filled with contempt.

that i will know the true meaning of joy.
not the mindset that i can gain it myself.

that i will show mercy.
not forgetting that my Savior has shown me more than I could ever give.

that i will be completely, undoubtedly, and wholly in love with You.
not chasing after the things of this world that will pass away.

01.12.12

Jesus has been so faithful in revealing his character to me, especially lately...
i love how he hears the cries of my heart... i want to be able to say
that i KNOW him, not just about him.
mmm... i just love it.

today, i'm thankful for the grace that comes from only from him.
and for love. sweet, precious, all-consuming love.
the kind of love that came down as a little baby in a manger.
the kind of love that gave his life for my sinful one.
the kind of love that conquered death because i couldn't.
the kind of love that is in heaven preparing a place for me.
the kind of love that is coming back for me.
THAT love.

may my heart mirror yours, Jesus.
xoxo.

known.

the past few days have been really hard emotionally.
i'm going to sound a little jr. highish, and i'm sorry, but just bear with me.

Satan is really good at twisting things to make them seem a certain way, and whispering lies that are far from the truth.
as a girl, i've always struggled with insecurity... a lot of that just comes from living in this world full of super model magazines and tips on how to improve.
the past few days, satan has really been using situations that i'm sure were not intentional to come off as something else.
abandoned.
forgotten.
ignored.
unheard.
today was one of those days full of little things that made my heart ache, things that weren't meant the way they seemed, but still hurt.

during church this morning, i flipped open my bible and felt called to psalm 139.
it's my favorite psalm, but today it just rang true and real to me.

"O Lord, you have searched me and YOU KNOW ME.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with ALL my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in- behind and before; YOU HAVE LAID YOUR HAND UPON ME.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain...
For you created my inmost being; you KNIT me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was NOT HIDDEN from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes SAW my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How VAST is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would OUTNUMBER THE GRAINS OF SAND.
When I awake, I am STILL with you...
Search me, O God, and KNOW MY HEART; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and LEAD ME in the way everlasting."


Tune the ears of my heart to hear no one else, but You.
I'm yours.

discipline vs. love

i had the wonderful pleasure of spending the weekend and bringing in the new year with some dear, dear friends from one of my favorite places, otherwise known as: Brownwood, Texas.

at church on Sunday, we watched a video in sunday school about some people who went to Nicaragua on a mission trip... dang, my heart ached the whole time from so many reminders of Guatemala.

during the service, the pastor said something that made a spark in my heart:
"discipline isnt the key to reading your bible, praying, and knowing God better. because if you rely solely on discipline, you will fail. don't rely on discipline in your relationship with Christ, you must rely on love."

so often i start off the week, or in this case, the year, with new promises and hopes of what i'm going to do to be "better."
and then when i fail, i get frustrated because i didn't have enough discipline.
then i come up with this brilliant {or what i think is brilliant} plan of staying on track.
it's a never-ending cycle.

but what if this year, God wants me to pursue Him out of LOVE.
out of the desire of my heart.
out of my genuine and true longing to know Him more.

...not just so i can say that studied the bible more, prayed more, went on more mission trips, and went to church more.

i'm not saying that those are bad things at all. in fact, those are all things that the Lord has called us to do.
but for the right reasons.

Luke 7:36-50 is my favorite Bible story.
if you haven't read it or it's been awhile since you have, go back and read it again.
the love and forgiveness is so contagious.

at first glance, the Pharisee seems like a pretty good guy.
he invited Jesus to his house to eat with him.
he was most likely wealthy, he was in a position of great honor... it looks like he had so much to offer Jesus.

but then, the story changes.
a sinful woman {we don't even know her name} entered the house and as she was weeping, began to wet the feet of Jesus with her tears, wipe them with her hair, kiss them, and annoint them with an alabaster jar of expensive perfume.
simon couldn't believe what he saw. what was this sinful woman doing in his house, let alone touching his honored guest?

Jesus knew his thoughts, of course, and goes on to tell a story of great forgiveness.
he then says that Simon didn't even wash his feet, but the woman wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. he gave Jesus no kiss, but the woman hadn't ceased to kiss his feet from the time she entered.
"therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven- for SHE LOVED MUCH.
but he who is forgiven little, loves little."

the Pharisee hadn't even done the duties that were a daily occurrence.
but this woman, possibly an adulteress or harlot, brought something of great worth to use for such a simple act.
she risked so much going into that house and choosing to humble herself in front of probably many dignified people.

BUT.
she gained so much more than she could ever possibly lose:
forgiveness from the Savior.

Simon relied on his duty as a Pharisee, and washing someone's feet was something the servants did, not someone as honored as himself.
but this woman recognized her need for grace, and in return,
found the greatest love ever known.