"Blessed assurance; Jesus is mine."

If you know me at all, you probably know how much politics interest me and how much I enjoy having political conversations. I definitely don't know a lot, but I love hearing other opinions and views. Recently, I watched Barack Obama's speech after the tragic shooting in Oregon. At one point in his speech, he said, "America will wrap everyone who's grieving with our prayers and our love... But our thoughts and prayers are not enough." To keep that statement in context, he continued to discuss his desire for tighter gun control laws and more regulation. Despite any personal political views, I was struck with sadness when I heard this statement. I understand his point was that something must be done to keep these tragedies from occurring, yet it hurt my heart hearing someone undermine the power of prayer.

Growing up in a sweet, Christian home and choosing to follow Jesus at nine years old, I've always known the importance of prayer. It began as something you say before a meal and before you fall asleep, and has grown into a continual dialogue throughout the day. However, it's funny how the Lord continues to teach you something that you thought you knew nearly everything about. Throughout the past two months, I've been overwhelmed with all the Lord has continued to teach me about prayer.

A month or so ago, I found myself praying for someone and ending my request with, "if it's Your will." Although it is so necessary for us to pray within the will of Christ and have a heart of humility, knowing His thoughts are so much higher than ours, I was convicted in the way I said that. I realized that when I asked the Lord for something bold, I didn't fully believe He could or would do it. Deep in the corners of my heart, I was afraid of getting disappointed. So, in order to avoid this, I "softened" my audacious prayer.

In doing so, I've missed out on so much. Instead, I began to pray general prayers asking the Lord to bless so-and-so and that the Lord would continue to teach us about Himself. By not praying specifically and boldly, I was safe from feeling any disappointment. I was also safe from seeing any miracles. Without asking for specific things from the Lord, I missed out on any chance of seeing Him answer those prayers.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is Hebrews, which is filled with words like "certainty" and "confidence." Hebrews 4:16 says to draw near to the throne of grace with confidence. Hebrews 6: 19 tells us that we have a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain. Hebrews 10:19 says we have confidence to enter the holy places by Jesus' blood. Hebrews 10:22 says to draw near with a heart in full assurance of faith.

We have this unbelievable opportunity to approach the Lord with confidence, yet we so often miss it because we're afraid. In a sermon by Matt Chandler, he talks about the importance of devoting yourself to prayer. He references Isaiah 62:6-7:

"On your walls, O Jerusalem, I have set watchmen; all the day and all the night they shall never be silent. You who put the Lord in remembrance, take no rest, and give him no rest until he establishes Jerusalem and makes it a praise in the earth."

He explains that verse and says one of the sweetest, craziest things I've ever heard: God loves being "bothered" by his children so much that he literally appoints people to bother him.
We are loved by a God who tells us to pray to him and "give him no rest."

He delights in our prayers. He delights in our asking. Our tiniest prayers are no less important than our big prayers. Our prayers aren't something that the Lord endures for our sake, they're something that he desires. And when we pray, things happen. It may not be that our circumstances turns in the opposite direction, or things fall into place exactly how we want, but the Lord is still working. It may not change my situation, but it changes me.

God is a good, good Father with good, good plans for us. Like a sweet dad who adores his child, the Lord desires for us to cry out the needs and hopes we have for our lives. Christ's power is shown the strongest in our weakest moments. We can entrust our life and our future to a God who cares for us and asks us to come.

Let us be known as people whose lives overflow with an unshakable confidence in an unshakable God.

like the rain.

It's 11:30 pm and I'm sitting in my room in the dark with nothing but the flickering of a candle 

and the sound of sweet, unexpected rain outside my window. My mind is swirling with thoughts of to-do lists and homework and reflections on the last few days. 

My life has drastically changed in the last four months. Some in big ways, like moving to Tennessee for three months and my plans after college, but mostly in somewhat little ways, like stirrings that the Lord has placed in my heart and growth in many areas of life. It feels like I'm caught up in a whirlwind, yet simultaneously, I feel an abundance of peace. 

One of the hardest things about coming home from anything - camp, a mission trip, an internship - is the difficulty in describing moments that no one else saw and no one else felt. Trying to express all the tiny experiences and the great big ones, yet not being able to put words to the emotions you felt in your heart. It's a strange thing, when things you are overflowing with passion about are not shared by those around you. Not that they don't care, far from that, but because they just weren't there. 

Unfortunately, when that has happened in the past, I've watched myself lose the passion and forget the feelings that I felt so strongly because I became discouraged and felt lonely in my feelings. Despite the intensity of my emotions, they fell way to thoughts of discouragement that no one else "got it" and what I felt wasn't enough to be used by the Lord to invoke a passion or desire in someone's life. 

Coming home after living in another state, over 950 miles away, I felt those same feelings but 1,000x stronger. The countless things I had learned during my internship on our role in caring for the orphan, the things the Lord showed me about learning to let go and trusting His heart for me, and even the small things, like overcoming my worry of the future and being in a place where I didn't know a soul. These are only a small part of all I experienced in those three months, and being able to articulate that has been hard. Yet this time, it's been different than it has in the past. I came home with the same passion that I have many times before when the Lord has spoken to me about things, but instead of quickly becoming discouraged that no one truly feels all that the Lord has done in those three months, He's given me such peace in reminding me that no one will fully comprehend, yet some things were meant just for me. 

Those busy days in the office, those prayers late at night, and those quiet minutes sitting outside were moments the Lord orchestrated for me. I often find myself understanding God's love for the nations, yet finding it difficult to grasp the love He has for me. "For God so loved the world...", yes, but "For God so loved me..." as well. Our God is a personal God. He delights in our awe and joy towards Him and is ever so faithful to cause moments that invoke that awe and joy. 

For those who know me, sunsets are one of my favorite things in the whole wide world (my camera roll could prove that). Fortunately, I live in a place that I'm convinced has the best ones. When I was in Tennessee this summer, I said so many times how much I missed west Texas sunsets and how much I wanted a killer sunset. The consistency of a sunset day after day always reminds me of the Lord's faithfulness and it amazes me that He is so creative to make an entirely new one every day. On the day I moved from Columbia to Nashville, with only a few weeks left of my internship, there was one of the prettiest sunsets I have ever seen. It sounds small and insignificant, but it's such a reminder that the Lord cares for even the smallest whispers of our hearts, and He takes joy in the things we find delight in. 

Another thing I said this summer was, "I wish all of my friends could be together in one place!" Having friends from two entirely different places is a sweet, but strange thing as it often feels like you're in two different worlds. I wanted nothing more than all the people I loved from my home town to be with the people that I had grown to love in the new place I was living. Fast forward to last night, and minus a few people absent, that became a reality. Some friends from Nashville were asked to play at an event in San Angelo, and several of my best friends from home were able to come. It was the craziest things to have what I felt were two different worlds collide, yet it was so special to be in one place with so many people that I love. 

God is a good Father. 

He does not say "no" only because He can. He not only knows the smallest desires of our hearts, but He cares for them. So often I get this idea in my head that although everything is used by God for His plan, He does not just do things dutifully, with a task-oriented mindset. 

He orchestrates tiny things like arranging the clouds and light to create a sunset, and He orchestrates the bigger things like friends driving 14 hours from Nashville to play a concert in my home town and getting to meet my friends from San Angelo. He cares for every thought, every prayer, every hope. 

So many things in my life are changing, but I'm grateful for a God whose character is one of overwhelming love and immense faithfulness. He is as constant in the small things, like needed rain and quiet moments, as He is in the big things. If God so cares for the smallest details of my life, how much more will He care for the largest ones?

"Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." | Hosea 6:3

a speck of heaven.

Ten more days in the beautiful state that I've been able to call home for the summer. Although occasionally it feels like I've been here forever and I've forgotten little details about home, I often feel like I just arrived.

The past two and a half months have undoubtedly been the most fulfilling and encouraging time of my life. The Lord has grown me in areas that I felt I would always be weak in, humbled me in places where my pride had grown too large, and encouraged me in parts of my heart that I had shrunk back in.

At the beginning of my internship, I decided to wholeheartedly throw myself into all the opportunities that I had this summer. Although I am not typically the most spontaneous person, I knew I would regret it if I turned down many of the opportunities that were around me. Thus, I decided to strictly follow (for the most part) my life motto:
You only regret the opportunities you don't take.

This resulted in a six inch bruise on my leg from cliff jumping off a 50 foot cliff into the lake, joining a Bible Reading Group at a local church with 8-10 girls that I had never met, climbing halfway up a 145 foot bridge (Natchez Trace Bridge), investing in a selfie stick, cracking my windshield with a fellow intern while trying to take a picture, exploring an abandoned house built in 1936, acting like a tourist and taking pictures with celebrities like Hayley Williams from Paramore and Brady Toops from the Bachelorette, kayaking the Cumberland River in Nashville, and going on adventures to tiny coffee shops and pretty places.

Although not always entirely wise, I've begun to develop this love for new things that I haven't felt before. The Lord has been so good in giving me a desire for adventure and a passion to do things wholeheartedly. One of my prayers in moving to Tennessee was that I would take advantage of these opportunities and not live out of fear or discouragement.

Although I know that He is fully capable of taking away my fear, I learned the importance of faith AND action. Often, I pray half-hearted prayers, expecting God to work without me having to do anything at all. The Lord doesn't need me to do anything in order for Him to work, but when I pray and do not step out towards Him in faith, I am not truly believing that He is strong enough to hold me up.

So, when I prayed that I wouldn't live in fear, He gave me a hundred opportunities not to. Sometimes, I gave into the fear and stayed in the shallow end, in the safe part of my heart. But the times that I decided to risk being vulnerable, risk feeling embarrassed, and risk being the "new girl," the Lord met me with incredible amounts of joy and peace.

I'm forever grateful for the connections and relationships I've made during my time in this sweet place. People that I had no idea even existed three months ago have played extremely influential roles in my life this summer.

During a Bible reading group that I go to, we were discussing Ezekiel and what it says about the Lord and how it applies to our lives. Honestly, it's sometimes difficult to feel the importance of verses like, "He measured the east side with the measuring reed, 500 cubits by the measuring reed all around. He measured the north side, 500 cubits by the measuring reed all around. He measured the south side, 500 cubits by the measuring reed..." Yet I felt the Lord so clearly comfort me in those strange verses. Just like the small and seemingly insignificant details of the temple matter to the Lord, so do the small and seemingly insignificant details of my life matter to the Lord. Often, I feel like there are two piles in my relationship with the Lord: the things I can handle and the things He can handle. Though sometimes I try to handle things on my own because of pride, many times it is because I feel like they are too trivial. But the Lord is so good and delights when I offer up the small matters to Him. How silly to think that He does not desire to hear about the little things when He has done so time and time again.

The little things I ask like finding a church I love, developing genuine friendships, continuing to hear from the Lord about my future, learning to loosen my grasp on things and people that the Lord has asked me to let go of... The list goes on. But I'm so thankful for a God who listens to the small things, because the small things are often the best reminders to me that He hears us.

He delights in hearing us and giving us glimpses of Him. These little things, like friendships and nature, are little specks of Heaven and only a shadow of the things to come.

I'm thankful for a good God who lavishly loves us, graciously hears us, and overwhelmingly fills us.

sufficient

One of my favorite things to do is look back at my journal and read past pages full of my prayers, desires, and hopes.

Almost a year ago today, I wrote down the story in Matthew 14 of when Jesus calls Peter to walk on water.

"...the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, 'It is a ghost!' and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.' And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.' Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible, as well as one of the most difficult and scariest ones. At the end of the page I asked,

"What does it mean for me to step out of the boat, onto the water and into the waves, in obedience to You?"

A question that I asked a year ago and still find myself asking today.
What does it mean to wholeheartedly follow You?

I'm either really stubborn or the Lord just likes to answer a prayer in an immense variety of ways (I'm thinking it's the first one), because nearly every Bible study, church service, devotional, and even conversation the past two weeks have somehow touched on the topic of faith and following the Lord.

While I'm working at Show Hope in Tennessee, one of my close friends is serving with Go Now Missions in New York for the summer. It's been such a blessing to keep in touch with one another as we are both living way out of our comfort zone and seeking to be where the Lord would have us.

We were talking on the phone one night last week, and it had just been one of those days for me.

I've had an ongoing struggle with anxiety and fear in trusting the Lord. But especially since last summer, the Lord has given me so much grace as he's gently convicted me and allowed me to give so many of my worries and fears to him. I have been able to overcome so much of that part of me that I never could have imagined living without. In an incredible way that is hard for me to describe, I have never struggled with anxiety as little as I have in the past year, especially the past few months.

However, this past week was different. I felt really anxious and stressed throughout the week, and not even really for specific reasons. I was so tired - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

So, as I was talking to my friend on the phone late one night, sitting in a bedroom in Tennessee that I get to call my own for the summer, I began to tell her of my frustration and worries. There was nothing in particular, but I had this underlying fear of trusting in the Lord.

I don't always feel that the Lord has good planned for my life. 

It sometimes seems like He says "no" just to say "no."

I'm afraid that although He says he has good plans for me, they won't be the best. 

Sometimes, if I'm really honest with myself and the ugly parts of my heart, I don't always feel that He is a good father.

It's a lie that began with Eve in the garden, choosing fruit and the promise to know as much as God instead of the joy of obeying her creator, and it's the same lie that I believe - choosing to believe that the Lord is holding out on me and doesn't have my best interests in mind so I must seek them out myself.

If I'm only willing to follow Christ when the road is easy and circumstances seem to be playing out the way I want them to, then I am saying with my heart that He is not sufficient for me.

Yet He IS.

He is so faithful despite my faithlessness.
So gracious even when my heart is cold towards Him.
Abundantly loving in the midst of my fear to trust.

I can believe that God is good because He says He is.
The Bible is filled with countless accounts of His love and faithfulness, and my life is marked with moments and stories of His abundant grace and relentless pursuit.

When the Lord called Peter out of the boat, all it took was the assurance that it was Jesus that Peter was walking towards.
No explanation of how it would work out, no details of what lied ahead, just, "It is I... Come."

Jesus calmed their fears by telling them that it was Him. That's all.

He is sufficient and I can rest in that. I don't have to know what lies ahead, how I'm going to live the rest of my life, or even this week, because I've been given the incredible opportunity to step out of the boat and, in the midst of the wind and the waves, walk towards Jesus, believing He is who He says He is.

Ironically, without remembering what I had written a year prior, I journaled this same story a few days ago and ended the page with a scary prayer that the Lord is giving me so many opportunities to play out:

I want to have faith that is blind - willing to step out of the boat and walk towards You, even though my mind is sure that water cannot hold me up. But You can. 

You hold me up.

small

If you asked me a year ago what I thought I'd be doing at this moment, I would never, ever guess this.

Right now, I'm interning at the Red Bus Project, a student initiative program of Show Hope, and learning more about the orphan crisis and how to advocate for orphans.
I'm living with a sweet, sweet couple that I only knew through a mutual friend and didn't meet until I actually started living with them.
I'm 930 miles away from my hometown and living in a place for the summer where I only know a few people.

I haven't even been here for an entire week and the Lord's faithfulness has been so apparent and overwhelming.

I was accepted for this internship in November and quickly began trying to find somewhere to live for the summer. The director of the RBP told me that it would work out, as a past intern found a place to live a week before she arrived. However, I said I was not going to be that person and set a timeline for all the things I needed to do prior to the internship, deciding that I would know where I was going to live by mid-March... Yet the Lord doesn't often do things the way I plan. I had been looking for somewhere to live for months, but every opportunity kept falling through. Ironically, I found out where I would live EXACTLY a week before I was supposed to be in Tennessee.

On Wednesday, the other interns and I were asked by our director to describe what the Lord is doing in our lives in two words...

losing control.

I was talking to one of my best friend's a couple weeks ago and told her that I felt like the Lord was loosening my grasp on every single thing I hold onto in this life. Where I was going to live this summer, relationships, and even things as small as classes were becoming impossible for me to control and plan. I was reminded of this quote by Corrie ten Boom, a survivor of the Holocaust:

"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."

It has been incredibly difficult as the Lord has taken things out of my control and shown me how little I truly control. I've struggled and cried and fought and exhausted myself as I try to tell the Lord how I think things need to be done. Yet even through my anger and sadness and complaints, the Lord has never stopped pursuing. As much as I think I want, even need, something, the Lord is good to not give in to me. He does not give in to my complaints and limited knowledge because doing so would not be for my benefit. He is working all things for my good and will only give what is good for me, even though it may be difficult.

I'm learning that the easiest way is often not the good way. My mind is limited and although I think I know what is best, the Lord's plan is always crazier and better than what I thought possible.
I'm thankful that the Lord hears my heart and knows my desires, yet is loving enough to not always answer those cries and desires in the way that I see fit. In the most loving of ways, He reminds me that I am small and finite.

Loosening my grasp on things I hold onto has been hard and frustrating and I often want to give up. But I'm grateful to be known by a God who is sovereign over my big dreams and the seemingly insignificant hopes. Despite my sin and flaws, He is constantly reminding me of His faithfulness and sovereignty in my life.

I'm thankful for a God who is bigger than me.

adventure.

   I bought this cute little 5-year journal a little over a year ago that asks you a question every day, you write down your answer, and then you can see how your answers have changed throughout the years. With it only being a year since I answered these questions, I wasn't too excited yet to see how my answers might change. Besides, half of them are things like, "What was the last thing you ate today?", and my changing answers to questions like that didn't seem to matter much. But yesterday, it was a little different.

"Are you seeking security or adventure?"

 If you know me at all, I'm sure you can guess what my answer would be. I'm a planner, I don't often like too take risks, I worry easily, and I like to know details. I like security. So naturally, adventure for me often comes in the little ways like choosing a different flavor of Ben & Jerry's at H-E-B or trying my hand at winged eyeliner (which I'm finally getting the hang of, thank goodness!). Security sounds way easier and less painful.

So of course, last year I answered with "security."
This year, however, I wrote "adventure" at the top of that little line next to 2015.
What?

 If someone asked me what the hardest/craziest/most challenging/sweetest/scariest/most stretching year of my life has been, 2014 would win HANDS DOWN, no argument. I officially decided my major, my grandmother passed away after a long battle with cancer, I lost friends I never thought I'd lose, my sister got married, I was a leader at several church camps/events for the first time, I struggled deeply in my spiritual walk, I began my Sophomore year of college, I developed deep friendships with people who are now some of my dearest friends, I cried a lot, and I laughed a lot. If you had asked me in 2013 what this past year would've looked like, I would have in no way said that. Things came to me as a surprise and I had to learn to deal with things I had never had to deal with in the past. Honestly, it was a rough year for the most part. Yet I can confidently say that I have never experienced the closeness, graciousness, and love of Christ as much as I did in 2014.

 Though it was also one of the most difficult years spiritually, it was one of the most growing years as well. In the summer, I struggled with my salvation for a week while I was a leader at a church camp, and I remember feeling really discouraged and disappointed that I was dealing with that. Prior to that week, my relationship with the Lord felt pretty strong, for the most part, and then that week happened, and it felt like one step forward, five steps back. I remember asking my best friend for prayer and feeling almost ashamed that I needed prayer about assurance, like I should be far enough in my walk with the Lord to not be dealing with things like this. But I did deal with it, and it was hard.
 Yet if I had to point back to a time that I've felt the Lord's presence, that one tops it all. One of the hardest spiritual struggles occurred right before an overwhelming sense of Christ like I've never felt before. My darkest times of feeling alone and my deepest feelings of sadness have been met with the strongest sense of the Lord's presence and sovereignty in my life. Grace upon grace.

So, back to that journal...
Why in the world would I choose adventure over security after a year like that?
Honestly, I don't know. It's so unlike me, it's scary, and it's unknown. Looking ahead, some parts of this year already seem scary, and it's all definitely unknown. I'm officially in the Business Marketing department which although exciting, is also new and sometimes daunting. I recently got accepted for an internship this summer and I move in four months, which is so exciting yet overwhelmingly nerve-wracking. And there are so many other parts of this year that I know will bring change, and this year is going to be so crazy and overwhelming and I am nervous, to be honest. But I am so excited for all that it will bring and I'm so thankful for a God who is constantly changing me by uprooting my fears and teaching me to trust him in the midst of uncertainty and change.

That little book brings me so much hope.
Hope in knowing that the Lord is continually changing me, even when I can't see it.
Hope in looking back and seeing he was faithful, and looking forward and believing he will be faithful.
Hope in remembering that my weakness is what the Lord delights in using the most.
Hope in believing that he redeems and restores, that he fills and overflows.

 We are going through the book of Ruth at church, and our pastor pointed out something that has constantly kept coming back to my mind since I heard it. In Ruth 1, Naomi returns with her daughter-in-law to Bethlehem after her husband and two sons have died. When she arrives, everyone is asking about her, and she answers,

 "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?"

 Towards the end of the book, Ruth has met Boaz and he has promised to care for her and be her kinsman redeemer. When she goes to the threshing floor one night to ask for him to be her redeemer, he promises, yet she leaves with even more than she asked for. He gives her a large amount of grain for her and Naomi. When Ruth returns to Naomi, she tells Naomi what Boaz has done,

"These six measures of barley he gave to me, for he said to me, 'You must not go back empty-handed to your mother-in-law."

Naomi came back empty, but the Lord wasn't going to leave her there.
The Lord takes away, yet he gives back in ways abundantly more than we could have imagined.
I'm thankful for his grace in the midst of my flaws that teaches me to seek him, to trust him, and to go on a crazy adventure.

learning

Today I had a lazy day and decided to get into the Christmas spirit by watching a Christmas movie.

I watched the 12 Dates of Christmas, which may in fact be one of the cheesiest and most 

unrealistic movies I've seen.  

SPOILER ALERT...

The whole movie line is that Kate is dying to get married after having broken up with her boyfriend of two years, who she's never really gotten over. She is given a chance for a new relationship on Christmas Eve, but ends it quickly after the opportunity to see her ex-boyfriend again. However, she finds out that he's about to propose to his new girlfriend. Long story short, at the end of Christmas Eve, everything rewinds and she starts the day over. For the majority of the days, Kate tries to do everything she can to get back together with her ex-boyfriend. She encounters various people throughout her day, yet she is so focused on her one task that she never stops to get to know them. 

On one of the days, someone tells her that "you can change every single thing about yourself, and it still wouldn't work, because you can't change 'fate'."

After that, Kate begins to quit focusing on getting back with her ex-boyfriend and decides to just "live in the moment." She begins to meet these people she sees throughout her daily life and finds ways to get to know them, listen to them, and make their lives better in any way she can. 

And like any Christmas movie, everyone ends up happily ever after.

Although I believe it's the Lord's sovereignty, not fate, that brings things about, I couldn't help but be impacted by this cheesy, inspirational Christmas movie on two different notes. 

The first one being that especially since being in college, I can often get this mentality that school should be my main priority at this time of my life. I spent my last year of college doing just that, and although making good grades is good, it is in no way fulfilling, and I found that out the hard way. 

When I began my Sophomore year this fall, I decided to spend less time worrying about grades and assignments and more time developing lasting and genuine friendships. When I stopped going to class just to listen to a lecture and counting the hours until I could go home, I began to realize that there's so much more. I developed friendships with classmates that I spent time with outside of class, had conversations with people between classes, and discovered a whole slew of people who are all in very different places and have so many different things to offer. 

I've begun to pray that I would see college as so much more than just classes and exams, but as people and opportunities, and the Lord has been so faithful to continue to answer that prayer. 

"I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people, to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole." - Lauren Oliver

The second thing that impacted me was the quote in the movie: "You can change every single thing about yourself, and it still wouldn't work, because you can't change 'fate'." 

On a less dramatic level and a more real level, I've gone through a big chunk of my life trying to become a certain thing in order to please people. Trying to be less sensitive, more funny, less emotional, more easy-going. I've tried to be what I think that people want or need, only to realize that I can never be everything someone wants or needs... And what a deep, deep relief that is. Not that there isn't room for change, as there definitely is, but being reminded that it's Christ who has changed and continues to change us, not anything that we can do on our own.

Although cliche, the Lord created each of us as who we are for a magnificent reason and purpose. There is such a lightness and freedom in discovering that and beginning to find delight, not dread, in the things that make us unique.

"I use to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essense of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to emphasize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep apprecitation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to others pain and my passion for it all."

I'm thankful that the Lord loves us, desires us, teaches us, and uses the smallest of things to speak to us, even the cheesiest of Christmas movies on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

able

On July 17th, 2014, the Lord decided to do something in my heart that far outweighed anything I had ever prayed or hoped for in the past.

Rewind... 

Like nearly every girl I have ever encountered, I have struggled with insecurities for as long as I can remember. The typical ones, like "am I pretty?", "do i have a cute laugh?", and "am i skinny enough?". But also deeper ones, where I cringe when I think back to a joke I said that no one really laughed at because I was "too much," or when I find that a friend chose to hang out with someone else instead of me because in that moment, I was "not enough." 

Every tear, miscommunication, and and hurt feeling boils down to my need to be desired and wanted. This longing is not only natural, but something that I believe the Lord has instilled in each of us. Yet instead of placing that desire in the hand of Christ who abundantly fills and overflows, I place it in things and people that are not capable of coming even slightly close to fulfilling that need. 

Every time, I'm let down. However, I tend to forget my past disappointments when I make my decision on where to place my security. I consistently run to other things to satisfy me when there is only One who has ever quenched my thirst. 

The Lord has spent many years removing things from my life so that I eventually realize I have nowhere left to run but to Him. Corrie ten Boom, a woman well-accompanied with heartache, once said to hold everything loosely, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open. Ouch. I've put so much of myself into things that can never fulfill, with the hope of hearing that I am enough, I am never too much, and I am desired. 

I've also always been a huge worrier, from what to wear to who I'm going to marry. 

Some are fears that I'm truly concerned about, and others are completely and utterly irrational. I can't count the number of nights I've wasted lying in bed worrying about something that probably will not even happen.

Back to July 17th... 

I had spent the week (July 13th-18th) as a leader at Sondays, our church's youth camp. At the beginning of the week, I had a dream that a close friend of mine was having a hard time because he really felt like I wasn't a Christian. When I woke up, I immediately began doubting my salvation. I had doubted my salvation in the past, but it was nothing like this. I was filled with so much fear and anxiety that it consumed nearly all of my thoughts. 

So, this, mixed with my worrying mindset and deep insecurities that had began to surface throughout the week, I was completely overwhelmed. 

On Thursday night, the last night of camp, the speaker told all of us to really get into a worship mindset and focus our attention on God, rather that be standing, sitting or getting down on our knees... Just whatever the Lord was calling us to do. I knelt down in our church's section, up in the bleachers, and just began to pray. I prayed over and over that the Lord would really reveal Himself to me. Nothing fancy, just that He would speak. Goodness, did He speak. 

He convicted me of the insecurity and worry I had... Insecurity and worry that I was holding onto and would not let go of. I could quote verses, even passages, from the Bible about our identity in Christ and trusting in Him. Yet I was not willing to give these insecurities and worries over to Him. 

I clenched them tightly in my hands, holding close the very things that were wounding me, because deep down, I did not believe that the Lord was able. 

Everyone knew I worried all the time, and I had had these insecurities for so long, that I felt they were now a part of who I am. I had known this terrible side of me for so long that I subconsciously believed these things were too deep-rooted for even the Lord to get rid of. 

As for my doubt, I believe that doubting your salvation can often be a good thing. It makes you evaluate where you are in your relationship with the Lord, or if you even have one, and causes you to really look at yourself. I also believe that Satan also uses doubt to cause us to worry and fear even when we know in our heart that we are firmly rooted in Christ, forgetting that "I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." {John 10:28}

The Lord showed me that my doubt of salvation was coming from a place of fear, not a place of conviction. Again, I was not trusting that the Lord was able and that He was who He said He was. I had placed my security of salvation in my own hands, subconsciously thinking that I was the one who had to take care of it, and forgetting that even the faith to believe in the first place did not come from me. 

The night ended with me weeping as the Lord lovingly pricked my heart and quietly asked me to open my clenched fists and give him my worry, my insecurity, and my doubt. 

I was and am reminded of my smallness. I cannot live this life on my own, even though I often believe I can. My life was not meant to be lived on my own. I am in constant need of a Savior and a God whose thoughts and ways are far, far above mine. 

I am not capable.

I am not strong.

I am not wise. 

I am not faithful. 

I am not sovereign. 

I am not sufficient. 

But God is.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord our God is able 

future hope

{"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me..." -Psalm 138:8} 

i officially finished my freshman year of college as of last friday. oh man.
now, with studying and homework and finals behind me, i've been able to step back, breathe a little, and think about this past year of my life. although there have been so many sweet memories and moment to look back on, there have also been moments of hardship.

i have learned so much about myself.
cliche, i know. what a typical college freshman thing to say.
but it's true.
i have also learned an incredible amount about the Lord.
from as early as i can remember, trusting the Lord and laying my plans at his feet has always been immensely difficult for me. control is something that i've always tried to have throughout my life. ironically, it's of course something that i can never truly have. from the moment i surrendered my life to the Lord, i gave up all present and future control. my life is no longer mine. unfortunately, i often try to snatch up my plans that i've given over to the Lord. i try to plan my future or dream up scenarios of how my life is going to go. how silly i am to think that i am wise enough to plan my life.

throughout this past year, my life has gone ways that i never thought it would go, good and bad.
this was not how i planned my life would be one year ago.
yet, despite all of the painful moments and in light of all the happy ones, i don't think i would change a thing. the Lord has used every single circumstance to draw me closer to himself.
i have learned how to hold things dear and how to let them go.
i've learned that there is a season for everything.
i've learned to embrace the sweet moments, because they won't last forever.
i've learned to forgive in the hard times, because they won't last forever either.
i've learned to uncover parts of my heart that i've hidden out of fear.
i've learned that loving is hard.
i've learned to lean on the Lord in some of the darkest days.
i've learned to laugh, and laugh a lot.
i've learned that trusting God is a daily choice.

i am so thankful that i'm continually being sanctified and renewed. nothing is sweeter than resting in the knowledge that i am loved by a God whose love does not change. i don't have to fear that he'll change his mind, or that he'll leave after discovering hidden pieces of me. i can trust that he is good. he cares for me. and because of that, i am also able to trust that he cares about my life from the smallest detail to the largest mountain. yes, the future is scary, but Jesus is already in the future. i don't have to fear. my greatest hope is that the Lord will teach me how to fully trust in Him and that I will learn to place my life in his great hands.

"The only life I have left to live is future life. The past is not in my hands to offer or alter. It is gone. Not even God will change the past. All the expectations of God are future expectations. All the possibilities of faith and love are future possibilities. And all the power that touches me with help to live in love is future power. As precious as the bygone blessings of God may be, if He leaves me only with the memory of those, and not with the promise of more, I will be undone. My hope for future goodness and future glory is future grace." - John Piper

time.

My sweet, beautiful grandmother went to be with the Lord on Thursday morning.
Although the cancer continued to spread throughout her body and we knew her time was short, it's still hard. I wrote a letter that will be placed in her casket to be buried with her earthly body. So many things I wanted to say that I never had the chance to.
Death is so difficult and heartbreaking, but it has been so comforting for me to remember that I will indeed see her again, yet it will be in a perfect place without pain, tears, or cancer. I'm so thankful to know that there is real life beyond this physical, temporary life.

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We didn't have enough time.

I read a blog once about love, and it said that often we take the people near us for granted, thinking they'll always be there. Even though I knew you were dying, I guess I always thought I'd have more time. Dad and Sydney went to see you on Wednesday, but I didn't go because I had work and then a test the next day, and I "just didn't have time." I was planning to go see you on Thursday, but you passed away that morning... I didn't have time.

Since you died yesterday, I've looked back over the past years with a lot of sorrow, wishing I would have gone to visit you more, baked with you more, talked with you more. I missed so many opportunities- moments I'm never able to get back. I didn't have enough time.

This was the first year since I was a baby that i didn't get a birthday card from you, telling me how much I've grown and how much you love me. You were too sick this year to realize it was my birthday, let alone what day it even was. Papa didn't even realize it either, he was so worried about you and busy taking care of you. It made me realize how much I'm going to miss you. I'm beginning to remember all of the little things you did for me over the years- the countless mickey mouse pancakes, the blankets you made for me, the "magic" cake, and the many hours we spent at the dining room table painting color-by-number. You had a huge box for us filled with dress-up clothes, paint, board games, costume jewelry, books, markers, and construction paper. We always knew that was "our box." A place just for us, to have fun and make memories. As we got older and stopped playing dress-up and drawing in coloring books, you put the box away. I often wonder what happened to that box. I miss all of those moments and wish I could remember them better, but I didn't have enough time.

As we continued to grow, our visits to your house became a little less frequent. We became so busy with school and our crazy, busy schedules that we never seemed to find the time. Nevertheless, you were always interested in our lives- wanting to hear what we were up to and see pictures. I remember when I was telling you about prom, and you wanted to see my dress and who my date was and what we did... You cared so much about the things going on in our lives. Towards the end of your life, you would cry whenever we came over. I would sometimes forget how much you cared about us, but in those moments, I remember. You never hesitated when we asked you to sew a hem on a dress or repair a seam on a shirt. You loved sewing and you were incredible at it. When you got sick, you became too weak and you weren't able to sew anymore. I remember when you helped me sew a blanket, and even though it was a little silly one, you taught me exactly how to make it the best that it could be. I loved that sewing lesson, I wish we could have had more. I didn't have enough time.

I often look back and wish I would have noticed all that you did for us. The love that you showed in such a simple, tangible way. Not only did you tell us with your words, but you showed us with your actions. I'll never be able to go back and thank you for all of the different ways you loved me, but I'll forever cherish those memories. I just didn't have enough time.

Thank you for alway loving me and making sure I knew it. Your trust that you had in the Lord was something that I hope and pray I can one day attain. You loved Christ so much and it amazes me. I can't wait for the day when I go to heaven and I get to see you again. I hope I grow to become like you. Cancer didn't win, you did. You are living in a place that is so much better than the life that you lived on this earth. I'm so happy to know that you are spending forever with Jesus, without pain.
I love you, Mimi.
Some day we'll have enough time.

Like a tear in the ocean

Sometimes I feel like the Lord left it up to me to get through life.

That one day, he just threw his hands up and said, "okay, it's all yours now."

Like it all depends on me to figure out this thing called life. 

Thankfully, that is not the case at all.

I've begun to learn that the times I feel alone and forgotten are the very same times that God is doing something in my heart like none other. My moments {or hours} of discouragement and loneliness are being used to draw me ever closer to the heart of my Savior. 

It's cliche, but there is a well-known poem that talks of a man who had a dream that he was walking along a beach with the Lord. He noticed that at certain points throughout his life, specifically the difficult times, there were only one set of footprints, not two. The man is confused and asks the Lord why there was only one set of footprints when He had promised the man that He would never leave him. Like a gracious, ever-loving Father, the Lord replies:

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints is when I carried you."

What a sweet reminder to know that we truly never walk alone.
I remember this past fall, when I went through some of the most difficult moments, and I felt completely alone and defeated. Often I would go to bed at night crying out to the Lord for something - anything - to remind me that I had someone walking beside me.
Looking back, I've realized that I grew a drastic amount through those times of deep loneliness.
I've always been a people-pleaser... Always trying to make sure I wasn't "too much" or "not enough." And although I am still not completely cured of that awful disease of desperately seeking to please others, God has grown my heart in ways I never thought possible.

I've walked through those lonely seasons, and praise God that I no longer have to fear them, because I know that He is so steadfast and unchanging. I can trust that he will hold me close and walk through those moments with me.

You're never alone
Like a tear in the ocean
Or a star on a clear winter night
You're never alone
When the courage you needed
Has been all but defeated in you 

When you can't seem to find your way home
And when life gets too hard
To face on your own
I will stand as a light through your darkest unknown
I will walk with you
So you're never alone

06/06/14

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf..."    {hebrews 6:19-20} 

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."    {romans 8:26}

so thankful for a God who knows us deeply and can sympathize with us. who knows our flaws but has run this race on our behalf. who is weak when we are strong. who intercedes for us when we are out of words. || you know me, you love me, and that is enough. 

letting go.

"Let go..."
He whispers somewhat loudly, yet I am the only one who hears.

Those moments are strange, as it seems like He is speaking so loud that everyone else can clearly hear as well.
But those moment are also precious.

Jesus is speaking to ME.
Lindsey, the one who is so awfully stubborn and persistent in her own ways, who hates people telling her what to do and cannot stand knowing she's wrong.
Yep, that's me.

Yet somehow, the Lord still pursues.
Even still.
Even in my sin, my stubbornness, my flesh.
He desires good for me even when I want to go my own way and try to fix things on my own.

And when I stop and realize that, it's almost comforting to give whatever I am grasping so tightly to Christ and let Him cover my sin and heal my heart and hold my future.
Jesus withholds no good thing from his children... It's funny how the enemy so often tries to make us believe that he is taking away or holding out on us.

I'm safe and secure in Christ.
So I can let go of pride.
Of having to be "right."
Of my possessions.
Of my future.
Of my reputation.
Of anything that I try to gain on my own.

Letting go isn't always easy, and sometimes it doesn't always make sense, yet it's so sweet to know that Jesus has a specific plan for MY life.
And I can wholeheartedly trust in that.

I can't even wrap my mind around the grace that is Jesus, but for some
reason, He allows me to know that
grace even still.
And maybe through letting go, I begin
to strip away things that hinder me so that I can see his grace and love more clearly.

fear and faith

it's incredible how the words of Jesus
can stir so many different emotions
in my heart.

throughout today, it seemed like every single place i looked and every single thing i heard, regardless of shape or form, Jesus was ever so gently whispering, "...trust me."

i am such a worrier, and for those who know me know that to be particularly true, but looking back on my day, i was ashamed and convicted about just how MUCH i really do worry.
i'm a huge thinker.
my brain is constantly turning.
constantly making up crazy and in a strange way, somewhat hilarious scenarios about what could happen if.

if.
that word makes me cringe and strikes soooo much fear in my heart.
if is a scary place.
if is something that usually, we aren't really able to control.
if is the unknown.

i asked myself earlier why i am such a worrier, and with his finger that so gently pricks, he points to my heart and says,
"this is why."
it is so hard for me to trust Jesus sometimes because of my fear.
i know His heart, yet sometimes i forget that He desires good for me.
that he KNOWS me.

we have this insane opportunity to know and be known by the Creator of this world, and often i pass it up because i
am afraid.
he already knows me fully and completely, but sometimes i think that if he really, really knew my heart that lacks so much faith and trust, he would turn away.

Jesus has promised good to me.
He has never failed me.
He will never fail me.
And I don't have to think of any wild scenarios about what might happen IF he doesn't come through.
that's a day that i'll never see.

so for now, i can choose to let Jesus see my sin and fill my gaps with his grace that covers me completely, and daily surrender my dirty and sinful little heart over to him so that he can give me faith, for it is nothing that i can do on my own.

his mercies are new and his grace is endless and my heart is set free.

01.27.13

"sometimes i think that i'm like a trophy that God wants to put in a showcase, just so everyone can see what a true Christian and salvation story should look like.
but then i remember that i'm really just a wrench. and not even a fancy gold-plated wrench... just a dirty, greasy, normal wrench that God may only pull out of the toolbox every so often. but when he does, he somehow uses that old and dirty wrench to make beautiful, beautiful things that only he could do."

peace.peace.peace.

some days are filled with uncontainable excitement, laughter, and crazy things that you tuck away in the back of your mind as a forever memory...

somedays are filled with heartache, tears, and heart-wrenching emotions that are too overwhelming to bear...

but then, there are days like today...
i've felt this indescribable peace all day... it's not because of anything, because nothing has happened...
or maybe it has.

i love those moments where you feel something, experience something, or hear something, and you're immediately just like, "whoa... that was the Lord."

i love that he speaks to us.

it truly is the peace that passes understanding.

sweet rest.

this life is anything but easy.

things don't go as planned... feelings get hurt... there's always busyness...
the list goes on and on.

but through looking at my life, which would be called nothing other than crazy and messy, i realize that it makes me long for Jesus more.
i want to just sit in his presence, like mary did, among the mess and chaos of daily life, knowing that everything else fails to satisfy in comparison.

i'm so thankful for sweet promises from Jesus... but the best thing about his promises is that they are never, ever, ever broken.

one of my favorites is matthew 11:28.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

i have a feeling that mary knew this promise very well... that she already knew the outcome when Jesus called her to sit at his feet and listen... that she knew the heart of her Savior, and knew that it was good.

"I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it."
-psalm 81:10

Jesus willingly satisfies. but he doesn't force it upon us... it is a relationship.
a beautiful relationship where Jesus speaks and we respond, where he calls and we follow.

sometimes, it's hard for me to put down my pride and admit that i'm exhausted and hungry and i need Jesus. but i can't help but remember that the heart of our Lord is good. that he has good planned for us.

so today, i'm thankful that life is a mess, i'm exhausted, my heart is hungry, and things haven't gone as planned.

because then...
that is when Jesus calls.

africa.

oh my, it has been way too long...
life gets crazy.

since i went to mozambique, africa between my last post and now, i thought i'd share
a little bit about that:

on july 13th, i hopped on a plane for 22 hours, rode a bus for 14 hours, and three days later, arrived at this little village called tchale, in the bush of mozambique.
little did i know how much that trip would impact my life forever...
i remember being on the plane, sooo nervous and anxious and scared, and journaling/praying/begging that this wouldn't be something that i would just allow to rush by.
but that it would be an adventure. 

the people in the village of tchale are so full of curiosity, {we had a crowd of beautiful little 
children peeking into our campsite not even ten minutes after arriving} which is something that i believe the Lord is using to draw them to himself... throughout the trip, the Lord was so faithful 
and constant in revealing to me just how big his heart is for the nations, and how he desires all to 
come to him. 
he is such a good shepherd. 

every day, we would have children's ministry, along with men's/women's ministry, and i was able to 
hold this sweet, beautiful, little girl who was blind, but had the most beautiful smile and laugh i have 
ever seen and heard in my life. 
Jesus is drawing them all to him. 
it's such a sweet thing. 

we had the opportunity to build a well and start building a church, which is something that is 
tangible, and can always be looked back on as a picture of the Lord's faithfulness. 
Jesus did so much through so many aspects of that trip... there's too much to write.
i'd love to tell you more about it though!  

i'm so thankful for that opportunity. i needed africa more than africa needed me. 

God is good. 
his love is sweet. 
the harvest is here. 
it was an adventure.

incredible.

i am constantly in awe of the Gospel. and today is no exception. i've literally been sitting in my room for over an hour just dwelling on the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. i've heard the stories my entire life, yet i still haven't gotten over it. the thought that we are fully known and STILL fully loved by the Creator of this world is absolutely incredible to my tiny little mind. he knew the sins and thoughts of my stained and dirty heart, but counted the cost worthy. incredible. i pray that i live in constant astonishment of the Gospel every single day of my life. it has the power to change lives. it's definitely changed mine.

"blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him." -romans 4:7-8

amazing grace.

"your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me..."

i sat in my car listening to this song and trying to understand these words for a good ten minutes or so. i haven't gotten very far. it's difficult for me to fathom. a love that NEVER fails. a love that NEVER gives up. a love that NEVER runs out. what? as hard as it is for me to comprehend, i fall more and more in love with the Lord because of this. i can't understand it, i can't repay him, i can't even thank him enough, yet he willingly and freely overwhelms my soul with it. the graciousness of Jesus blows me away. i miss some sweet little guatemalan babies today. i miss them every day, but today especially. as much as i long to, i can't be there to love on them. to rock them to sleep. to smother their little cheeks with kisses. to tickle them until their smile lights up the room and they're gasping for air. but the thing that gives me peace is knowing that the Lord is so much better at that job than i could ever be. sure, he might not physically do those things, but he takes great delight in them, quiets them with his love, and rejoices over them with singing. dang. we serve a good God. i'm reading the explicit gospel by matt chandler at the moment, {which i would buy a copy for every single person i know so they would read it if i could} and as he once again tells the story of the gospel, i am overwhelmed. literally. i was lying in bed awake for a good hour because i couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around the grace and love that is Jesus. i love the fact that he doesn't just do the bare minimum, but he goes above and beyond, and it leaves me in awe. those are good moments. thanks be to Jesus who saved a wretch like me.