Rewind...
Like nearly every girl I have ever encountered, I have struggled with insecurities for as long as I can remember. The typical ones, like "am I pretty?", "do i have a cute laugh?", and "am i skinny enough?". But also deeper ones, where I cringe when I think back to a joke I said that no one really laughed at because I was "too much," or when I find that a friend chose to hang out with someone else instead of me because in that moment, I was "not enough."
Every tear, miscommunication, and and hurt feeling boils down to my need to be desired and wanted. This longing is not only natural, but something that I believe the Lord has instilled in each of us. Yet instead of placing that desire in the hand of Christ who abundantly fills and overflows, I place it in things and people that are not capable of coming even slightly close to fulfilling that need.
Every time, I'm let down. However, I tend to forget my past disappointments when I make my decision on where to place my security. I consistently run to other things to satisfy me when there is only One who has ever quenched my thirst.
The Lord has spent many years removing things from my life so that I eventually realize I have nowhere left to run but to Him. Corrie ten Boom, a woman well-accompanied with heartache, once said to hold everything loosely, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open. Ouch. I've put so much of myself into things that can never fulfill, with the hope of hearing that I am enough, I am never too much, and I am desired.
I've also always been a huge worrier, from what to wear to who I'm going to marry.
Some are fears that I'm truly concerned about, and others are completely and utterly irrational. I can't count the number of nights I've wasted lying in bed worrying about something that probably will not even happen.
Back to July 17th...
I had spent the week (July 13th-18th) as a leader at Sondays, our church's youth camp. At the beginning of the week, I had a dream that a close friend of mine was having a hard time because he really felt like I wasn't a Christian. When I woke up, I immediately began doubting my salvation. I had doubted my salvation in the past, but it was nothing like this. I was filled with so much fear and anxiety that it consumed nearly all of my thoughts.
So, this, mixed with my worrying mindset and deep insecurities that had began to surface throughout the week, I was completely overwhelmed.
On Thursday night, the last night of camp, the speaker told all of us to really get into a worship mindset and focus our attention on God, rather that be standing, sitting or getting down on our knees... Just whatever the Lord was calling us to do. I knelt down in our church's section, up in the bleachers, and just began to pray. I prayed over and over that the Lord would really reveal Himself to me. Nothing fancy, just that He would speak. Goodness, did He speak.
He convicted me of the insecurity and worry I had... Insecurity and worry that I was holding onto and would not let go of. I could quote verses, even passages, from the Bible about our identity in Christ and trusting in Him. Yet I was not willing to give these insecurities and worries over to Him.
I clenched them tightly in my hands, holding close the very things that were wounding me, because deep down, I did not believe that the Lord was able.
Everyone knew I worried all the time, and I had had these insecurities for so long, that I felt they were now a part of who I am. I had known this terrible side of me for so long that I subconsciously believed these things were too deep-rooted for even the Lord to get rid of.
As for my doubt, I believe that doubting your salvation can often be a good thing. It makes you evaluate where you are in your relationship with the Lord, or if you even have one, and causes you to really look at yourself. I also believe that Satan also uses doubt to cause us to worry and fear even when we know in our heart that we are firmly rooted in Christ, forgetting that "I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." {John 10:28}
The Lord showed me that my doubt of salvation was coming from a place of fear, not a place of conviction. Again, I was not trusting that the Lord was able and that He was who He said He was. I had placed my security of salvation in my own hands, subconsciously thinking that I was the one who had to take care of it, and forgetting that even the faith to believe in the first place did not come from me.
The night ended with me weeping as the Lord lovingly pricked my heart and quietly asked me to open my clenched fists and give him my worry, my insecurity, and my doubt.
I was and am reminded of my smallness. I cannot live this life on my own, even though I often believe I can. My life was not meant to be lived on my own. I am in constant need of a Savior and a God whose thoughts and ways are far, far above mine.
I am not capable.
I am not strong.
I am not wise.
I am not faithful.
I am not sovereign.
I am not sufficient.
But God is.
Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord our God is able
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