fear and faith

it's incredible how the words of Jesus
can stir so many different emotions
in my heart.

throughout today, it seemed like every single place i looked and every single thing i heard, regardless of shape or form, Jesus was ever so gently whispering, "...trust me."

i am such a worrier, and for those who know me know that to be particularly true, but looking back on my day, i was ashamed and convicted about just how MUCH i really do worry.
i'm a huge thinker.
my brain is constantly turning.
constantly making up crazy and in a strange way, somewhat hilarious scenarios about what could happen if.

if.
that word makes me cringe and strikes soooo much fear in my heart.
if is a scary place.
if is something that usually, we aren't really able to control.
if is the unknown.

i asked myself earlier why i am such a worrier, and with his finger that so gently pricks, he points to my heart and says,
"this is why."
it is so hard for me to trust Jesus sometimes because of my fear.
i know His heart, yet sometimes i forget that He desires good for me.
that he KNOWS me.

we have this insane opportunity to know and be known by the Creator of this world, and often i pass it up because i
am afraid.
he already knows me fully and completely, but sometimes i think that if he really, really knew my heart that lacks so much faith and trust, he would turn away.

Jesus has promised good to me.
He has never failed me.
He will never fail me.
And I don't have to think of any wild scenarios about what might happen IF he doesn't come through.
that's a day that i'll never see.

so for now, i can choose to let Jesus see my sin and fill my gaps with his grace that covers me completely, and daily surrender my dirty and sinful little heart over to him so that he can give me faith, for it is nothing that i can do on my own.

his mercies are new and his grace is endless and my heart is set free.

01.27.13

"sometimes i think that i'm like a trophy that God wants to put in a showcase, just so everyone can see what a true Christian and salvation story should look like.
but then i remember that i'm really just a wrench. and not even a fancy gold-plated wrench... just a dirty, greasy, normal wrench that God may only pull out of the toolbox every so often. but when he does, he somehow uses that old and dirty wrench to make beautiful, beautiful things that only he could do."

peace.peace.peace.

some days are filled with uncontainable excitement, laughter, and crazy things that you tuck away in the back of your mind as a forever memory...

somedays are filled with heartache, tears, and heart-wrenching emotions that are too overwhelming to bear...

but then, there are days like today...
i've felt this indescribable peace all day... it's not because of anything, because nothing has happened...
or maybe it has.

i love those moments where you feel something, experience something, or hear something, and you're immediately just like, "whoa... that was the Lord."

i love that he speaks to us.

it truly is the peace that passes understanding.

sweet rest.

this life is anything but easy.

things don't go as planned... feelings get hurt... there's always busyness...
the list goes on and on.

but through looking at my life, which would be called nothing other than crazy and messy, i realize that it makes me long for Jesus more.
i want to just sit in his presence, like mary did, among the mess and chaos of daily life, knowing that everything else fails to satisfy in comparison.

i'm so thankful for sweet promises from Jesus... but the best thing about his promises is that they are never, ever, ever broken.

one of my favorites is matthew 11:28.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

i have a feeling that mary knew this promise very well... that she already knew the outcome when Jesus called her to sit at his feet and listen... that she knew the heart of her Savior, and knew that it was good.

"I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it."
-psalm 81:10

Jesus willingly satisfies. but he doesn't force it upon us... it is a relationship.
a beautiful relationship where Jesus speaks and we respond, where he calls and we follow.

sometimes, it's hard for me to put down my pride and admit that i'm exhausted and hungry and i need Jesus. but i can't help but remember that the heart of our Lord is good. that he has good planned for us.

so today, i'm thankful that life is a mess, i'm exhausted, my heart is hungry, and things haven't gone as planned.

because then...
that is when Jesus calls.

africa.

oh my, it has been way too long...
life gets crazy.

since i went to mozambique, africa between my last post and now, i thought i'd share
a little bit about that:

on july 13th, i hopped on a plane for 22 hours, rode a bus for 14 hours, and three days later, arrived at this little village called tchale, in the bush of mozambique.
little did i know how much that trip would impact my life forever...
i remember being on the plane, sooo nervous and anxious and scared, and journaling/praying/begging that this wouldn't be something that i would just allow to rush by.
but that it would be an adventure. 

the people in the village of tchale are so full of curiosity, {we had a crowd of beautiful little 
children peeking into our campsite not even ten minutes after arriving} which is something that i believe the Lord is using to draw them to himself... throughout the trip, the Lord was so faithful 
and constant in revealing to me just how big his heart is for the nations, and how he desires all to 
come to him. 
he is such a good shepherd. 

every day, we would have children's ministry, along with men's/women's ministry, and i was able to 
hold this sweet, beautiful, little girl who was blind, but had the most beautiful smile and laugh i have 
ever seen and heard in my life. 
Jesus is drawing them all to him. 
it's such a sweet thing. 

we had the opportunity to build a well and start building a church, which is something that is 
tangible, and can always be looked back on as a picture of the Lord's faithfulness. 
Jesus did so much through so many aspects of that trip... there's too much to write.
i'd love to tell you more about it though!  

i'm so thankful for that opportunity. i needed africa more than africa needed me. 

God is good. 
his love is sweet. 
the harvest is here. 
it was an adventure.

incredible.

i am constantly in awe of the Gospel. and today is no exception. i've literally been sitting in my room for over an hour just dwelling on the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. i've heard the stories my entire life, yet i still haven't gotten over it. the thought that we are fully known and STILL fully loved by the Creator of this world is absolutely incredible to my tiny little mind. he knew the sins and thoughts of my stained and dirty heart, but counted the cost worthy. incredible. i pray that i live in constant astonishment of the Gospel every single day of my life. it has the power to change lives. it's definitely changed mine.

"blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him." -romans 4:7-8

amazing grace.

"your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me..."

i sat in my car listening to this song and trying to understand these words for a good ten minutes or so. i haven't gotten very far. it's difficult for me to fathom. a love that NEVER fails. a love that NEVER gives up. a love that NEVER runs out. what? as hard as it is for me to comprehend, i fall more and more in love with the Lord because of this. i can't understand it, i can't repay him, i can't even thank him enough, yet he willingly and freely overwhelms my soul with it. the graciousness of Jesus blows me away. i miss some sweet little guatemalan babies today. i miss them every day, but today especially. as much as i long to, i can't be there to love on them. to rock them to sleep. to smother their little cheeks with kisses. to tickle them until their smile lights up the room and they're gasping for air. but the thing that gives me peace is knowing that the Lord is so much better at that job than i could ever be. sure, he might not physically do those things, but he takes great delight in them, quiets them with his love, and rejoices over them with singing. dang. we serve a good God. i'm reading the explicit gospel by matt chandler at the moment, {which i would buy a copy for every single person i know so they would read it if i could} and as he once again tells the story of the gospel, i am overwhelmed. literally. i was lying in bed awake for a good hour because i couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around the grace and love that is Jesus. i love the fact that he doesn't just do the bare minimum, but he goes above and beyond, and it leaves me in awe. those are good moments. thanks be to Jesus who saved a wretch like me.