Almost a year ago today, I wrote down the story in Matthew 14 of when Jesus calls Peter to walk on water.
"...the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, 'It is a ghost!' and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.' And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.' Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.One of my favorite passages in the Bible, as well as one of the most difficult and scariest ones. At the end of the page I asked,
"What does it mean for me to step out of the boat, onto the water and into the waves, in obedience to You?"
A question that I asked a year ago and still find myself asking today.
What does it mean to wholeheartedly follow You?
I'm either really stubborn or the Lord just likes to answer a prayer in an immense variety of ways (I'm thinking it's the first one), because nearly every Bible study, church service, devotional, and even conversation the past two weeks have somehow touched on the topic of faith and following the Lord.
While I'm working at Show Hope in Tennessee, one of my close friends is serving with Go Now Missions in New York for the summer. It's been such a blessing to keep in touch with one another as we are both living way out of our comfort zone and seeking to be where the Lord would have us.
We were talking on the phone one night last week, and it had just been one of those days for me.
I've had an ongoing struggle with anxiety and fear in trusting the Lord. But especially since last summer, the Lord has given me so much grace as he's gently convicted me and allowed me to give so many of my worries and fears to him. I have been able to overcome so much of that part of me that I never could have imagined living without. In an incredible way that is hard for me to describe, I have never struggled with anxiety as little as I have in the past year, especially the past few months.
However, this past week was different. I felt really anxious and stressed throughout the week, and not even really for specific reasons. I was so tired - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
So, as I was talking to my friend on the phone late one night, sitting in a bedroom in Tennessee that I get to call my own for the summer, I began to tell her of my frustration and worries. There was nothing in particular, but I had this underlying fear of trusting in the Lord.
I don't always feel that the Lord has good planned for my life.
It sometimes seems like He says "no" just to say "no."
I'm afraid that although He says he has good plans for me, they won't be the best.
Sometimes, if I'm really honest with myself and the ugly parts of my heart, I don't always feel that He is a good father.
It's a lie that began with Eve in the garden, choosing fruit and the promise to know as much as God instead of the joy of obeying her creator, and it's the same lie that I believe - choosing to believe that the Lord is holding out on me and doesn't have my best interests in mind so I must seek them out myself.
If I'm only willing to follow Christ when the road is easy and circumstances seem to be playing out the way I want them to, then I am saying with my heart that He is not sufficient for me.
Yet He IS.
He is so faithful despite my faithlessness.
So gracious even when my heart is cold towards Him.
Abundantly loving in the midst of my fear to trust.
I can believe that God is good because He says He is.
The Bible is filled with countless accounts of His love and faithfulness, and my life is marked with moments and stories of His abundant grace and relentless pursuit.
When the Lord called Peter out of the boat, all it took was the assurance that it was Jesus that Peter was walking towards.
No explanation of how it would work out, no details of what lied ahead, just, "It is I... Come."
Jesus calmed their fears by telling them that it was Him. That's all.
He is sufficient and I can rest in that. I don't have to know what lies ahead, how I'm going to live the rest of my life, or even this week, because I've been given the incredible opportunity to step out of the boat and, in the midst of the wind and the waves, walk towards Jesus, believing He is who He says He is.
Ironically, without remembering what I had written a year prior, I journaled this same story a few days ago and ended the page with a scary prayer that the Lord is giving me so many opportunities to play out:
I want to have faith that is blind - willing to step out of the boat and walk towards You, even though my mind is sure that water cannot hold me up. But You can.You hold me up.
