learning

Today I had a lazy day and decided to get into the Christmas spirit by watching a Christmas movie.

I watched the 12 Dates of Christmas, which may in fact be one of the cheesiest and most 

unrealistic movies I've seen.  

SPOILER ALERT...

The whole movie line is that Kate is dying to get married after having broken up with her boyfriend of two years, who she's never really gotten over. She is given a chance for a new relationship on Christmas Eve, but ends it quickly after the opportunity to see her ex-boyfriend again. However, she finds out that he's about to propose to his new girlfriend. Long story short, at the end of Christmas Eve, everything rewinds and she starts the day over. For the majority of the days, Kate tries to do everything she can to get back together with her ex-boyfriend. She encounters various people throughout her day, yet she is so focused on her one task that she never stops to get to know them. 

On one of the days, someone tells her that "you can change every single thing about yourself, and it still wouldn't work, because you can't change 'fate'."

After that, Kate begins to quit focusing on getting back with her ex-boyfriend and decides to just "live in the moment." She begins to meet these people she sees throughout her daily life and finds ways to get to know them, listen to them, and make their lives better in any way she can. 

And like any Christmas movie, everyone ends up happily ever after.

Although I believe it's the Lord's sovereignty, not fate, that brings things about, I couldn't help but be impacted by this cheesy, inspirational Christmas movie on two different notes. 

The first one being that especially since being in college, I can often get this mentality that school should be my main priority at this time of my life. I spent my last year of college doing just that, and although making good grades is good, it is in no way fulfilling, and I found that out the hard way. 

When I began my Sophomore year this fall, I decided to spend less time worrying about grades and assignments and more time developing lasting and genuine friendships. When I stopped going to class just to listen to a lecture and counting the hours until I could go home, I began to realize that there's so much more. I developed friendships with classmates that I spent time with outside of class, had conversations with people between classes, and discovered a whole slew of people who are all in very different places and have so many different things to offer. 

I've begun to pray that I would see college as so much more than just classes and exams, but as people and opportunities, and the Lord has been so faithful to continue to answer that prayer. 

"I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people, to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole." - Lauren Oliver

The second thing that impacted me was the quote in the movie: "You can change every single thing about yourself, and it still wouldn't work, because you can't change 'fate'." 

On a less dramatic level and a more real level, I've gone through a big chunk of my life trying to become a certain thing in order to please people. Trying to be less sensitive, more funny, less emotional, more easy-going. I've tried to be what I think that people want or need, only to realize that I can never be everything someone wants or needs... And what a deep, deep relief that is. Not that there isn't room for change, as there definitely is, but being reminded that it's Christ who has changed and continues to change us, not anything that we can do on our own.

Although cliche, the Lord created each of us as who we are for a magnificent reason and purpose. There is such a lightness and freedom in discovering that and beginning to find delight, not dread, in the things that make us unique.

"I use to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essense of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to emphasize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep apprecitation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to others pain and my passion for it all."

I'm thankful that the Lord loves us, desires us, teaches us, and uses the smallest of things to speak to us, even the cheesiest of Christmas movies on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

able

On July 17th, 2014, the Lord decided to do something in my heart that far outweighed anything I had ever prayed or hoped for in the past.

Rewind... 

Like nearly every girl I have ever encountered, I have struggled with insecurities for as long as I can remember. The typical ones, like "am I pretty?", "do i have a cute laugh?", and "am i skinny enough?". But also deeper ones, where I cringe when I think back to a joke I said that no one really laughed at because I was "too much," or when I find that a friend chose to hang out with someone else instead of me because in that moment, I was "not enough." 

Every tear, miscommunication, and and hurt feeling boils down to my need to be desired and wanted. This longing is not only natural, but something that I believe the Lord has instilled in each of us. Yet instead of placing that desire in the hand of Christ who abundantly fills and overflows, I place it in things and people that are not capable of coming even slightly close to fulfilling that need. 

Every time, I'm let down. However, I tend to forget my past disappointments when I make my decision on where to place my security. I consistently run to other things to satisfy me when there is only One who has ever quenched my thirst. 

The Lord has spent many years removing things from my life so that I eventually realize I have nowhere left to run but to Him. Corrie ten Boom, a woman well-accompanied with heartache, once said to hold everything loosely, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open. Ouch. I've put so much of myself into things that can never fulfill, with the hope of hearing that I am enough, I am never too much, and I am desired. 

I've also always been a huge worrier, from what to wear to who I'm going to marry. 

Some are fears that I'm truly concerned about, and others are completely and utterly irrational. I can't count the number of nights I've wasted lying in bed worrying about something that probably will not even happen.

Back to July 17th... 

I had spent the week (July 13th-18th) as a leader at Sondays, our church's youth camp. At the beginning of the week, I had a dream that a close friend of mine was having a hard time because he really felt like I wasn't a Christian. When I woke up, I immediately began doubting my salvation. I had doubted my salvation in the past, but it was nothing like this. I was filled with so much fear and anxiety that it consumed nearly all of my thoughts. 

So, this, mixed with my worrying mindset and deep insecurities that had began to surface throughout the week, I was completely overwhelmed. 

On Thursday night, the last night of camp, the speaker told all of us to really get into a worship mindset and focus our attention on God, rather that be standing, sitting or getting down on our knees... Just whatever the Lord was calling us to do. I knelt down in our church's section, up in the bleachers, and just began to pray. I prayed over and over that the Lord would really reveal Himself to me. Nothing fancy, just that He would speak. Goodness, did He speak. 

He convicted me of the insecurity and worry I had... Insecurity and worry that I was holding onto and would not let go of. I could quote verses, even passages, from the Bible about our identity in Christ and trusting in Him. Yet I was not willing to give these insecurities and worries over to Him. 

I clenched them tightly in my hands, holding close the very things that were wounding me, because deep down, I did not believe that the Lord was able. 

Everyone knew I worried all the time, and I had had these insecurities for so long, that I felt they were now a part of who I am. I had known this terrible side of me for so long that I subconsciously believed these things were too deep-rooted for even the Lord to get rid of. 

As for my doubt, I believe that doubting your salvation can often be a good thing. It makes you evaluate where you are in your relationship with the Lord, or if you even have one, and causes you to really look at yourself. I also believe that Satan also uses doubt to cause us to worry and fear even when we know in our heart that we are firmly rooted in Christ, forgetting that "I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." {John 10:28}

The Lord showed me that my doubt of salvation was coming from a place of fear, not a place of conviction. Again, I was not trusting that the Lord was able and that He was who He said He was. I had placed my security of salvation in my own hands, subconsciously thinking that I was the one who had to take care of it, and forgetting that even the faith to believe in the first place did not come from me. 

The night ended with me weeping as the Lord lovingly pricked my heart and quietly asked me to open my clenched fists and give him my worry, my insecurity, and my doubt. 

I was and am reminded of my smallness. I cannot live this life on my own, even though I often believe I can. My life was not meant to be lived on my own. I am in constant need of a Savior and a God whose thoughts and ways are far, far above mine. 

I am not capable.

I am not strong.

I am not wise. 

I am not faithful. 

I am not sovereign. 

I am not sufficient. 

But God is.

Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord our God is able 

future hope

{"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me..." -Psalm 138:8} 

i officially finished my freshman year of college as of last friday. oh man.
now, with studying and homework and finals behind me, i've been able to step back, breathe a little, and think about this past year of my life. although there have been so many sweet memories and moment to look back on, there have also been moments of hardship.

i have learned so much about myself.
cliche, i know. what a typical college freshman thing to say.
but it's true.
i have also learned an incredible amount about the Lord.
from as early as i can remember, trusting the Lord and laying my plans at his feet has always been immensely difficult for me. control is something that i've always tried to have throughout my life. ironically, it's of course something that i can never truly have. from the moment i surrendered my life to the Lord, i gave up all present and future control. my life is no longer mine. unfortunately, i often try to snatch up my plans that i've given over to the Lord. i try to plan my future or dream up scenarios of how my life is going to go. how silly i am to think that i am wise enough to plan my life.

throughout this past year, my life has gone ways that i never thought it would go, good and bad.
this was not how i planned my life would be one year ago.
yet, despite all of the painful moments and in light of all the happy ones, i don't think i would change a thing. the Lord has used every single circumstance to draw me closer to himself.
i have learned how to hold things dear and how to let them go.
i've learned that there is a season for everything.
i've learned to embrace the sweet moments, because they won't last forever.
i've learned to forgive in the hard times, because they won't last forever either.
i've learned to uncover parts of my heart that i've hidden out of fear.
i've learned that loving is hard.
i've learned to lean on the Lord in some of the darkest days.
i've learned to laugh, and laugh a lot.
i've learned that trusting God is a daily choice.

i am so thankful that i'm continually being sanctified and renewed. nothing is sweeter than resting in the knowledge that i am loved by a God whose love does not change. i don't have to fear that he'll change his mind, or that he'll leave after discovering hidden pieces of me. i can trust that he is good. he cares for me. and because of that, i am also able to trust that he cares about my life from the smallest detail to the largest mountain. yes, the future is scary, but Jesus is already in the future. i don't have to fear. my greatest hope is that the Lord will teach me how to fully trust in Him and that I will learn to place my life in his great hands.

"The only life I have left to live is future life. The past is not in my hands to offer or alter. It is gone. Not even God will change the past. All the expectations of God are future expectations. All the possibilities of faith and love are future possibilities. And all the power that touches me with help to live in love is future power. As precious as the bygone blessings of God may be, if He leaves me only with the memory of those, and not with the promise of more, I will be undone. My hope for future goodness and future glory is future grace." - John Piper

time.

My sweet, beautiful grandmother went to be with the Lord on Thursday morning.
Although the cancer continued to spread throughout her body and we knew her time was short, it's still hard. I wrote a letter that will be placed in her casket to be buried with her earthly body. So many things I wanted to say that I never had the chance to.
Death is so difficult and heartbreaking, but it has been so comforting for me to remember that I will indeed see her again, yet it will be in a perfect place without pain, tears, or cancer. I'm so thankful to know that there is real life beyond this physical, temporary life.

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We didn't have enough time.

I read a blog once about love, and it said that often we take the people near us for granted, thinking they'll always be there. Even though I knew you were dying, I guess I always thought I'd have more time. Dad and Sydney went to see you on Wednesday, but I didn't go because I had work and then a test the next day, and I "just didn't have time." I was planning to go see you on Thursday, but you passed away that morning... I didn't have time.

Since you died yesterday, I've looked back over the past years with a lot of sorrow, wishing I would have gone to visit you more, baked with you more, talked with you more. I missed so many opportunities- moments I'm never able to get back. I didn't have enough time.

This was the first year since I was a baby that i didn't get a birthday card from you, telling me how much I've grown and how much you love me. You were too sick this year to realize it was my birthday, let alone what day it even was. Papa didn't even realize it either, he was so worried about you and busy taking care of you. It made me realize how much I'm going to miss you. I'm beginning to remember all of the little things you did for me over the years- the countless mickey mouse pancakes, the blankets you made for me, the "magic" cake, and the many hours we spent at the dining room table painting color-by-number. You had a huge box for us filled with dress-up clothes, paint, board games, costume jewelry, books, markers, and construction paper. We always knew that was "our box." A place just for us, to have fun and make memories. As we got older and stopped playing dress-up and drawing in coloring books, you put the box away. I often wonder what happened to that box. I miss all of those moments and wish I could remember them better, but I didn't have enough time.

As we continued to grow, our visits to your house became a little less frequent. We became so busy with school and our crazy, busy schedules that we never seemed to find the time. Nevertheless, you were always interested in our lives- wanting to hear what we were up to and see pictures. I remember when I was telling you about prom, and you wanted to see my dress and who my date was and what we did... You cared so much about the things going on in our lives. Towards the end of your life, you would cry whenever we came over. I would sometimes forget how much you cared about us, but in those moments, I remember. You never hesitated when we asked you to sew a hem on a dress or repair a seam on a shirt. You loved sewing and you were incredible at it. When you got sick, you became too weak and you weren't able to sew anymore. I remember when you helped me sew a blanket, and even though it was a little silly one, you taught me exactly how to make it the best that it could be. I loved that sewing lesson, I wish we could have had more. I didn't have enough time.

I often look back and wish I would have noticed all that you did for us. The love that you showed in such a simple, tangible way. Not only did you tell us with your words, but you showed us with your actions. I'll never be able to go back and thank you for all of the different ways you loved me, but I'll forever cherish those memories. I just didn't have enough time.

Thank you for alway loving me and making sure I knew it. Your trust that you had in the Lord was something that I hope and pray I can one day attain. You loved Christ so much and it amazes me. I can't wait for the day when I go to heaven and I get to see you again. I hope I grow to become like you. Cancer didn't win, you did. You are living in a place that is so much better than the life that you lived on this earth. I'm so happy to know that you are spending forever with Jesus, without pain.
I love you, Mimi.
Some day we'll have enough time.

Like a tear in the ocean

Sometimes I feel like the Lord left it up to me to get through life.

That one day, he just threw his hands up and said, "okay, it's all yours now."

Like it all depends on me to figure out this thing called life. 

Thankfully, that is not the case at all.

I've begun to learn that the times I feel alone and forgotten are the very same times that God is doing something in my heart like none other. My moments {or hours} of discouragement and loneliness are being used to draw me ever closer to the heart of my Savior. 

It's cliche, but there is a well-known poem that talks of a man who had a dream that he was walking along a beach with the Lord. He noticed that at certain points throughout his life, specifically the difficult times, there were only one set of footprints, not two. The man is confused and asks the Lord why there was only one set of footprints when He had promised the man that He would never leave him. Like a gracious, ever-loving Father, the Lord replies:

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints is when I carried you."

What a sweet reminder to know that we truly never walk alone.
I remember this past fall, when I went through some of the most difficult moments, and I felt completely alone and defeated. Often I would go to bed at night crying out to the Lord for something - anything - to remind me that I had someone walking beside me.
Looking back, I've realized that I grew a drastic amount through those times of deep loneliness.
I've always been a people-pleaser... Always trying to make sure I wasn't "too much" or "not enough." And although I am still not completely cured of that awful disease of desperately seeking to please others, God has grown my heart in ways I never thought possible.

I've walked through those lonely seasons, and praise God that I no longer have to fear them, because I know that He is so steadfast and unchanging. I can trust that he will hold me close and walk through those moments with me.

You're never alone
Like a tear in the ocean
Or a star on a clear winter night
You're never alone
When the courage you needed
Has been all but defeated in you 

When you can't seem to find your way home
And when life gets too hard
To face on your own
I will stand as a light through your darkest unknown
I will walk with you
So you're never alone