the path to You.

so often i forget that my struggles, tears, pain, and loneliness are all used by the Lord.
for my good.
for His glory.

Not gonna lie, i often wish the path to His feet wasn't also filled with hardship.
but maybe it's like that because we can never truly know the depth of His love until we know the depth of pain and sorrow.
if we didn't know the bad, we wouldn't know how good the good is.
it's through my sin, my bad days, my struggles, that Jesus leans in and reminds me of his faithfulness, his love, and his grace.
he uses those moments to reveal the depth of his character.

if that's the case, i want the pain... because i want YOU.
oh Jesus, i want You.

i've started to realize that change and all the hardship that goes along with it comes from a want to control.
i don't like change because i can't control it.
but here's the thing: You are a God of peace, not one of disorder.
You know exactly what You're doing.

thanks, Jesus.

If I ask to be delivered from trial rather than for deliverance out of it, to the praise of His glory; if I forget that the way of the cross leads to the cross and not to a bank of flowers; if I regulate my life on these lines, or even unconsciously my thinking, so that I am surprised when the way is rough and think it strange, though the word is, "Think it not strange," "Count it all joy," then I know nothing of Calvery love.
-Amy Carmichael

honesty.

time for honesty.

the past couple of weeks have been HARD.
emotionally, i've been a wreck.
{praise Jesus for a bff and momma who listen}

but i just got back from one of the most fulfilling, joyful, and Jesus-filled weekend ever.
lately, i've been going through some things... someone asked me why i hadn't acted on them, and i said that i was waiting on God.
but then she said something that i'll remember forever...
"maybe you're not waiting on the Lord... maybe he's waiting on YOU to act on what he's already put in your heart."

umm. that was convicting.
but from obeying, i've experienced so much joy that only comes from Jesus.
and to be completely honest, it didn't end up exactly the way i had hoped.
people got hurt.
so, i second-guessed myself a few times...
"surely this isn't right... hurting people isn't part of His plan..."
but then i was reminded of what Jesus tells his disciples:

"...if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Jesus didn't shy away from hurt.
i'm sure the families of these men ached as they said goodbye to follow Jesus.
that hurt.
i'm sure it was hard for these guys to leave their loved ones.
that hurt.
but here's the thing...

it was WORTH IT.

i want to follow Jesus regardless of what it costs me.
even if it hurts.
even when it seems too much to bear.
even during the times i do it alone.

because He is WORTH IT.

may i never stray from the cross of Christ...