My sweet, beautiful grandmother went to be with the Lord on Thursday morning.
Although the cancer continued to spread throughout her body and we knew her time was short, it's still hard. I wrote a letter that will be placed in her casket to be buried with her earthly body. So many things I wanted to say that I never had the chance to.
Death is so difficult and heartbreaking, but it has been so comforting for me to remember that I will indeed see her again, yet it will be in a perfect place without pain, tears, or cancer. I'm so thankful to know that there is real life beyond this physical, temporary life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We didn't have enough time.
I read a blog once about love, and it said that often we take the people near us for granted, thinking they'll always be there. Even though I knew you were dying, I guess I always thought I'd have more time. Dad and Sydney went to see you on Wednesday, but I didn't go because I had work and then a test the next day, and I "just didn't have time." I was planning to go see you on Thursday, but you passed away that morning... I didn't have time.
Since you died yesterday, I've looked back over the past years with a lot of sorrow, wishing I would have gone to visit you more, baked with you more, talked with you more. I missed so many opportunities- moments I'm never able to get back. I didn't have enough time.
This was the first year since I was a baby that i didn't get a birthday card from you, telling me how much I've grown and how much you love me. You were too sick this year to realize it was my birthday, let alone what day it even was. Papa didn't even realize it either, he was so worried about you and busy taking care of you. It made me realize how much I'm going to miss you. I'm beginning to remember all of the little things you did for me over the years- the countless mickey mouse pancakes, the blankets you made for me, the "magic" cake, and the many hours we spent at the dining room table painting color-by-number. You had a huge box for us filled with dress-up clothes, paint, board games, costume jewelry, books, markers, and construction paper. We always knew that was "our box." A place just for us, to have fun and make memories. As we got older and stopped playing dress-up and drawing in coloring books, you put the box away. I often wonder what happened to that box. I miss all of those moments and wish I could remember them better, but I didn't have enough time.
As we continued to grow, our visits to your house became a little less frequent. We became so busy with school and our crazy, busy schedules that we never seemed to find the time. Nevertheless, you were always interested in our lives- wanting to hear what we were up to and see pictures. I remember when I was telling you about prom, and you wanted to see my dress and who my date was and what we did... You cared so much about the things going on in our lives. Towards the end of your life, you would cry whenever we came over. I would sometimes forget how much you cared about us, but in those moments, I remember. You never hesitated when we asked you to sew a hem on a dress or repair a seam on a shirt. You loved sewing and you were incredible at it. When you got sick, you became too weak and you weren't able to sew anymore. I remember when you helped me sew a blanket, and even though it was a little silly one, you taught me exactly how to make it the best that it could be. I loved that sewing lesson, I wish we could have had more. I didn't have enough time.
I often look back and wish I would have noticed all that you did for us. The love that you showed in such a simple, tangible way. Not only did you tell us with your words, but you showed us with your actions. I'll never be able to go back and thank you for all of the different ways you loved me, but I'll forever cherish those memories. I just didn't have enough time.
Thank you for alway loving me and making sure I knew it. Your trust that you had in the Lord was something that I hope and pray I can one day attain. You loved Christ so much and it amazes me. I can't wait for the day when I go to heaven and I get to see you again. I hope I grow to become like you. Cancer didn't win, you did. You are living in a place that is so much better than the life that you lived on this earth. I'm so happy to know that you are spending forever with Jesus, without pain.
I love you, Mimi.
Some day we'll have enough time.
