"Are you seeking security or adventure?"
If you know me at all, I'm sure you can guess what my answer would be. I'm a planner, I don't often like too take risks, I worry easily, and I like to know details. I like security. So naturally, adventure for me often comes in the little ways like choosing a different flavor of Ben & Jerry's at H-E-B or trying my hand at winged eyeliner (which I'm finally getting the hang of, thank goodness!). Security sounds way easier and less painful.
So of course, last year I answered with "security."
This year, however, I wrote "adventure" at the top of that little line next to 2015.
What?
If someone asked me what the hardest/craziest/most challenging/sweetest/scariest/most stretching year of my life has been, 2014 would win HANDS DOWN, no argument. I officially decided my major, my grandmother passed away after a long battle with cancer, I lost friends I never thought I'd lose, my sister got married, I was a leader at several church camps/events for the first time, I struggled deeply in my spiritual walk, I began my Sophomore year of college, I developed deep friendships with people who are now some of my dearest friends, I cried a lot, and I laughed a lot. If you had asked me in 2013 what this past year would've looked like, I would have in no way said that. Things came to me as a surprise and I had to learn to deal with things I had never had to deal with in the past. Honestly, it was a rough year for the most part. Yet I can confidently say that I have never experienced the closeness, graciousness, and love of Christ as much as I did in 2014.
Though it was also one of the most difficult years spiritually, it was one of the most growing years as well. In the summer, I struggled with my salvation for a week while I was a leader at a church camp, and I remember feeling really discouraged and disappointed that I was dealing with that. Prior to that week, my relationship with the Lord felt pretty strong, for the most part, and then that week happened, and it felt like one step forward, five steps back. I remember asking my best friend for prayer and feeling almost ashamed that I needed prayer about assurance, like I should be far enough in my walk with the Lord to not be dealing with things like this. But I did deal with it, and it was hard.
Yet if I had to point back to a time that I've felt the Lord's presence, that one tops it all. One of the hardest spiritual struggles occurred right before an overwhelming sense of Christ like I've never felt before. My darkest times of feeling alone and my deepest feelings of sadness have been met with the strongest sense of the Lord's presence and sovereignty in my life. Grace upon grace.
So, back to that journal...
Why in the world would I choose adventure over security after a year like that?
Honestly, I don't know. It's so unlike me, it's scary, and it's unknown. Looking ahead, some parts of this year already seem scary, and it's all definitely unknown. I'm officially in the Business Marketing department which although exciting, is also new and sometimes daunting. I recently got accepted for an internship this summer and I move in four months, which is so exciting yet overwhelmingly nerve-wracking. And there are so many other parts of this year that I know will bring change, and this year is going to be so crazy and overwhelming and I am nervous, to be honest. But I am so excited for all that it will bring and I'm so thankful for a God who is constantly changing me by uprooting my fears and teaching me to trust him in the midst of uncertainty and change.
That little book brings me so much hope.
Hope in knowing that the Lord is continually changing me, even when I can't see it.
Hope in looking back and seeing he was faithful, and looking forward and believing he will be faithful.
Hope in remembering that my weakness is what the Lord delights in using the most.
Hope in believing that he redeems and restores, that he fills and overflows.
We are going through the book of Ruth at church, and our pastor pointed out something that has constantly kept coming back to my mind since I heard it. In Ruth 1, Naomi returns with her daughter-in-law to Bethlehem after her husband and two sons have died. When she arrives, everyone is asking about her, and she answers,
"Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?"Towards the end of the book, Ruth has met Boaz and he has promised to care for her and be her kinsman redeemer. When she goes to the threshing floor one night to ask for him to be her redeemer, he promises, yet she leaves with even more than she asked for. He gives her a large amount of grain for her and Naomi. When Ruth returns to Naomi, she tells Naomi what Boaz has done,
"These six measures of barley he gave to me, for he said to me, 'You must not go back empty-handed to your mother-in-law."Naomi came back empty, but the Lord wasn't going to leave her there.
The Lord takes away, yet he gives back in ways abundantly more than we could have imagined.
I'm thankful for his grace in the midst of my flaws that teaches me to seek him, to trust him, and to go on a crazy adventure.
